And the nerves make a resurgence- with a vengence

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

So, I'm officially back into terrified mode, with a sidekick of bitchiness thrown in for good measure. My head (along with the common sense squad) is telling me some cervical mucus and brief (less than 15 seconds) moments of abdominal pain are normal. Mucus is increased due to estrogen, etc., and the pain is most likely the uterus beginning it's stretching. Having been pregnant before, I know these things. Really, I do. That being said, I'm a %^*$&%$ basketcase. I convinced every twinge is a miscarriage waiting to happen and that I, sooner or later, I'm going to find myself in the bathroom, covered with blood. These are absolutely horrible thoughts but I can't get them to go away.

These were fears that I didn't have with Nicholas and Sophia. Not at all. I remember mucus, implantation bleeding (okay, I did have a freakout over that), and bouts of abdominal pain in the early weeks that I tossed up to growing pains, like the doctor said, and moved on without worry. This time is different. This time, there is no innocence and everything is a "sign". Even when the miscarriage had absolutely no signs (save the low hCG and progesterone scores) or symptoms.

In fairness to my body, I always have back pain, so I can't blame pregnancy on that. Minor abdominal pain isn't considered to be threatening a pregnancy and neither is increased mucus production. But after losses, everything threatens a miscarriage. There's no more peace of mind, no more "this is normal". Everything is a chance to lose again.

I'm trying to convince myself, as Peter continues to tell me, that thinking positively is all that we can do at this stage. We have the ultrasound in 3 days and we can't really change the outcome. We can continue to pray, continue to eat well, and continue to treat my body well. We choose to think positive thoughts or negative ones and that is a choice we have. (Of course, I snapped at him, which brings in the bitchiness...)

Pray for us. Pray that God will continue to touch us and bless us with this pregnancy and the new life growing within.

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