98dpo

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Today is day 98 of my pregnancy with little Alexander. Day 98 is also the day that I went into labor with Nicholas. I can't believe this day is here already. I thought we had more time... How are we here already? If you could see fear, it would be a huge bubble all around me.

We've spent the day lounging around and doing absolutely nothing. I just can't bring myself to do anything- what if this is the end??? I don't want to wonder if that did something or this did something... We didn't even shower until 5pm, and then, it was only to go to Tom and Sarah's for dinner. She made a delicious zucchini lasagna, but it could have been cardboard and I would have eaten it. I just watched the time click off the clock on the oven... 7:30...7:31...7:32... Before I knew it, it was 7:44 and then 7:45... Nicholas was born...

My breath caught and I actually had to tell myself that I wasn't in labor. Alexander, by contrast, was moving all over the place, playing soccer with my bladder, and running from one side to the other. He was fine. I went to the bathroom and just cried.

I've carried Alexander hours longer than his big brother at this point. The feeling of happiness and sadness has no name. There isn't a way to describe it. So grateful and joyous for making it another day, so empty because your younger baby has passed his big brother...

It also brought back memories. Right now, I'd be in the hospital still, clinging for the hope that Sophia was going to make it. Embracing my son's body, still warm from his life on this earth. Mourning the special and sacred spirit that entered our lives and touched them with such peace and beauty...

Alex is alive and well, and day 98 is almost over. We've made it this far.

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