Moving Forward, But Not Moving On...

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

As much as it ached and as hard as it was for my fingers to even dial the number, I called Dr. Lee's office this morning and made an appointment. She's in the speed dial, so I didn't have to type in the numbers, just find her and press send. I looked at the number for a long time before calling... Before hearing that familiar message and pressing 3 to make an appointment. When Michelle's pleasant voice picked up, I identified myself and said that I was calling to schedule an appointment in February. I'm still surprised the words made their way out.

She immediately knew who I was (the joy of working with so one-on-one with everyone from the receptionist to the doctor) and said how very sorry she was. Then she asked if there was anything they could do to help us. It was sweet. She asked how we were really doing and we spoke about Alexander and how things progressed. She was so sweet, just talked for a few minutes like we were old friends, then said that the entire office has been thinking of us and keeping us in their prayers. And then we booked our appointment for Monday, February 9th, at 9:30am.

This road has been long and it sucks, but we have been really blessed with a kickass RE and a wonderful OB. Of all the crap, those are two things that we have no problem with. I dread the drive back to Bethlehem, and the familiar territory of the injections and the ultrasounds and the bloodwork, but Dr. Lee is amazing. Not just in that she has truly helped us, but in that she cares. I believe, 100%, that she cares for us as people and parents, not just as patients. And that makes such a difference in a journey like this. Dr. Bailey, as well. He cares. We aren't just names on a file; we are people and parents who are going through hell and are trying to dig ourselves out of agony's grip. And he is there to offer a hand and help. It matters. So much.

I can't believe that I made the appointment. I know that a part of me will never move on, that it didnt move on after Nicholas and Sophia and, although Alexander has been added, I am still there... Still in that place where a parent goes when their child dies. No matter what, you are still the mother of a dead baby (or, in my case, dead babies). You are forever an orphaned parent, regardless of the living children you have or may have. But then there is the other part. The other part that loves her children so much that, no matter how many she has, she will want to have more. Because they give her purpose. Because they were the thing that was missing from her life and have now filled her heart with joy and purpose. That part of me is the one who made the call and scheduled the appointment...

And now the countdown begins... Less than 2 months away until we see Dr. Lee and our journey towards our 4th bundle of joy begins.

4 comments:

B said...

You are brave.

I understand that longing - it is both wonderful and fearful.

You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers

Barb

michele said...

Michele,I am so happy that you are not giving up on your dream for a large family.It took us 7 years to have our yougnest and my faith and just believing that anything is possible is what gave us our miracle baby.I will be praying for you as always:) Michele

Adrian n Tashida said...

Good for you for making the appointments. Its not too close and not too far away. If when that time comes and you think you are not ready, you can always call and reschedule.

mommyoftwinangels said...

The title is perfect.