Still Breathing...

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I'm still alive, although days like today I wish I'd died with them... God, the missing is awful. Yet, it's right, too. The missing is a sign of how much I love them, in a way, and I wouldnt give up the missing if it meant giving them up, just like I wouldnt give up the hurt if it meant that... But, man does it hurt... Like a knife that has stripped you up and down and then come back for another pass. But, I'm still here.

Saturday, Dr. B's lab form arrived. Yesterday, after my regular dentist's appointment (and, of course, there are issues because I need one more thing on my plate- I have to go in to have a filling replaced next week and make an appt with an oral surgeon to have my two upper wisdom teeth removed) I went to the Lab. The woman knows me by sight now, never a good sign, and took me back for my urine test right away. I had to fill the cup because he was running 3 urine tests. Then, the blood work... 15 tests. 12 vials. The first stick produced nothing; my vein collapesed right away. I guess after a week of nonstop testing, it just couldnt take it anymore. The other arm was a champ and we got all the vials- full I might add- without any issue. Which is good. I dont think I could have handled another poke or prod. The results for most should be back sometime today and I expect a call from Dr. B. The phleb said that some of the tests have to be sent away for so those might not be back right away. Great... Just something else to wait for.

One of our priests called today to discuss the memorial service. They'd hoped to do it this weekend, but Peter's parents are away (they just decided) so I asked if we could do it next week instead. He's going to consult with the Pastor and get back to me.

I feel so tired and so deeply hurt inside. I had hoped to sit and write for an hour but I think I'll nap instead.

5 comments:

Cara said...

When your heart can't take anymore...sleep. That's what I say.

Oh, Michele - there is so much on your plate.

Just Me. said...

I'm here from Mel's L&F.

I read your earlier posts and my heart breaks for you. I'm so very sorry. I'm Catholic too but not a very good one. However, I always pray to St Francis for obvious reasons. I'll be praying to him for you and light a candle in church when I go on Sunday.

((((((HUGE HUGS))))))

Adrian n Tashida said...

Michele,

I know its hards, not personally know the feeling but couldn't even imagine the pain you're going through. You and your hubby continue to use each other as a support system to get through these hard times. You have amazing strength and will power and I'm proud of you for being able to get up and continue to go on.

Simbelmyne said...

You deserve rest.
I hope that each day treats you better and better after this.

c. said...

I hope you took that nap. Sometimes the grief of it all is just too much, too overwhelming. I hope you see less days like this, but I know better not to know they sneak up on you when you least expect it. Thinking of you, Michele.