Doing Better

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

So, I feel better today. Other than the 2 times during the one hour span of the afternoon that I saw a tiny bit of peachy pink (and really, it was tiny), everything has been absolutely fine. Regular CM, back and forth between discharge and dry, regular "pregnancy" colors (the beige family), and all is well. I really think I just had a meltdown yesterday for other reasons, and that this was the thing that really pushed me over the edge. The exact thing happened with Nicholas and Sophia, around this time, and lasted, actually, a few days, and Nurse Amy told me the same thing that she told me when this happened on 13dpo of this pregnancy. Unless it is heavier than a light flow or is red and not pink, peach, or brown, it is probably fine. And, if it isn't, then there really isn't anything they can do at this point. When I talked to her last Monday, she told me that if it was accompanied by pain or menstrual-type cramps, to call her. But otherwise, I'm on progesterone supplements, so they wont give me anything more, and that a lot of Dr. Lee's patients have irregular light spotting. Of course, she chuckled, it's only really spotting if it gets on a pad. Which mine hasn't this pregnancy. It was only present when I wiped, and even then, I wouldnt have noticed unless I was really looking, hardcore, at the toilet paper. So, I'm feeling much better today.

Yesterday was a rough day all around. I worked in the morning, then left to take my dad to a dental appointment. I love my dad. Truly, I do. But he complains a lot about everything. He's had a rough life, but at times, I just cant take it. He has spasmodic torticollis/cervical dystonia, that takes a lot out of him, and I try to make allowances for that. I know he is in pain. But you would think, every day, that he is dying. He smokes and doesn't eat well, which adds to his problems, and I find it very hard to make allowances for that. Anyway, he lived with us for 2 years trying to get back on his feet, and it was a hard time for us. Very hard. I was able to get him a job at the main library, working in the circulation department, and we moved him out on his own. He now works full time and, for the most part, is very self sufficient. But he misses being taken care of. My nana took care of him into adulthood, then he married my mom and she took care of him. Now that they are divorced and he's on his own, I know there are sometimes when he just really, really wishes there was someone else to do things for him. And, because he does financially struggle (who doesn't!) and made some really bad financial decisions, which adds to the struggling, he wants things he cant afford and gets upset that he cant have things he wants or needs (like dentures). Anyway... To the dentist. He hates the dentist, but wont change. It's so stressful to me to hear how he doesnt like them, how he thinks they are cheating him, etc., yet when I say "So change dentists", he ignores it all together. On top of things, he doesn't always listen, so instead of paying $35 yesterday, he paid $70. Now, the girl told him that his insurance didnt pick up all of his last visit and that he would have to cover the difference from his last appointment. Did he hear that? No... So, he was frustrated about that. When I picked up his prescriptions, I took my BP at one of those pharmacy stands and it was through the roof. My heart raced all afternoon.

He lives within walking distance to work (good since he doesn't drive) but is 40 minutes, at least, from me. He gets upset that we dont visit. Even though, I cant stay in his apartment because of the smoke. I invite him to visit, but he doesn't like taking the bus to get to our home. (It's about an hour drive and we usually ask him to take the bus to our home, and then we will take him back.) I know he is lonely, but he doesnt visit and I cant drive 40 minutes each way while working each week to see him. Our Sundays are full of church and he works on Saturdays. Whenever I invite him over, he needs to do X or Y, which I completely understand. But I think living alone and the recent death of his best friend have piled up and made him feel very lonely.

The complaining drives my blood pressure up and makes it very hard for me to deal with him. I have no doubt that a lot of my stress yesterday surrounded that. He would like to stop working, go on disibility (which he tried for and was unable to get), and live nearby, where we would do his errands, etc. for him. This can't happen right now, and I know it is a struggle for him. Financially, we struggle to help our parents, and we do what we can, and I know it is only a matter of time before he asks for the $1000 to buy dentures. Money we don't have to give him. Telling him no, you'd think I was killing his puppy. We grew up poor, mind you.

Sorry for the vent. I plan on calling him again today to see how he is doing and I know that this will be a rough evening. He takes medication that really makes him more like this than he normally is. (When he lived with us for 2 years, he didnt take meds and was much easier to be around, even though it was still so hard to cohabitate. Now, he takes 2 different drugs, and it's a struggle to deal with him. He doesn't see it (and doesn't want to hear it), which makes it worse.

But, enough of my complaining! I do feel better. Things seem to be fine. Thank you for all the prayers and advice. Only 45.5 more hours until our ultrasound!

5 comments:

Donna said...

It's so hard to deal with parents sometimes! It's great that you have done so much to help your dad out. Try to keep your stress to a minimum. You need to take care of you!

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Oh, Michele. I wish I had a solution to your problem with your dad. I'm glad you shared your struggles regarding him with us. You are the ultimate caretaker. That is obvious. I think you are doing a fairly good job of setting boundaries while still taking care of yourself, but I can see the scale tipping very easily. I'm sure there's a lot of guilt attached to this issue. That doesn't help. But, please don't allow the guilt to pressure you into a way of life that results in self-neglect.

I'm happy to hear you are doing better today. It'll be good to get to the doctor and get some reassurance.

Peace.

Michele said...

I had the same with my last pregnacy and of course all we went thru to have him made me freak out.You'll be fine.You have all of us counting down to the u/s.We should take bets on how many little ones are growing in there.I'm quessing three:)Good luck!!

Cara said...

Michele- it is totally understandable that anxiety and fear and with you right now. You keep counting down to that ultrasound and then....share the awesome pics.

rooting for you - you deserve this so much

A n T said...

Can't wait to hear the news after the ultrasound. Try to be patient with your dad. I read some forward or something talking about how life is a cycle we enter the world needing to be completely cared for and we normally leave the world the same way. So what our parents did for us when we were babies we will most likely end up doing for them as they get older. Your post about the CM made me feel better because I saw some peachy color CM when I used the bathroom earlier, but now I know no worries about it.