Evil Mind

Monday, April 20, 2009

So here we are... Another day with my evil mind trying to drive me over the edge to insanity. And it's working, I tell you.

So, Saturday. I woke up and actually felt pretty good. So we went to the aforementioned charity walk for a local maternity home. Peter and our friend, Sarah, ran; I walked. They came in first in their age group (30-39), he for men, she for women (obviously). I brought up the end of the race and I don't care! I wasn't walking fast! I finished a mile in 19 minutes (yuck!) but it was a good walk. And I felt good the entire morning. Then, the afternoon hit and I was concerned. What if I overdid it... What if I did "something"... You know. The crazy mind issues. Which led me to making a permanant connection with the couch all afternoon and evening.

Sunday, we were serving 2 Masses at church, so we were gone by 7am and didn't get back until 11am. Fine and dandy. Butt to couch. And I was an absolute nutcase when I was awake. I slept a lot (thank God) but when I was awake, I was convinced "something bad" was going to happen. Peter, good guy that he is, got pH strips, since I was having a fit that I was leaking. This will give you some insight into my nutty head. So, for those who may not know, the pH of urine is around 7, but can go anywhere from 4-8. The pH of amniotic fluid is 7-7.5. The pH of vaginal secretions is 4-6. So, this gives a decent range of whether to even be concerned or not. I'd decided that, if the test was 7-7.5, I'd call the doctor, otherwise, things would be okay. So... First off, there isn't even enough fluid to do a test. We're not talking gushing or even a trickle. We're talking "I swear I feel something going on down there and there's some moistness." It could be freaking sweat for all I know. But, I digress. I end up having to put the strips against my skin because there isn't enough stuff to even saturate the pad! (For reference, imagine the strip inside of a pregnancy test or an OPK strip... We arent talking rocket science here.) I must have done a half dozen. And the ones that I could actually get a sample on read between 4 and 5. For a normal person, this would have brought relief (especially since my husband works with strips just like these for work and knows how to read them!). Not me. I was convinced they were wrong. Because, God knows, I couldn't just be okay with things being fine when I was having a mental breakdown.

On top of this, I've had two instances of vaginal "farting". My apologies for the TMI. My hope is that SOMEONE else has had this during pregnancy because it freaks me out! The first was on Friday and I was convinced I was going to miscarry right afterwards. Then, yesterday afternoon. The rational brain tells me that my uterus is expanding and things are changing, so it's no surprise that air needs to be released. The irrational part- I must be miscarrying. Then, there are the twinges of pain in my abs and lower back. Again, irrational me yells "miscarriage!!!" while the rational part says "completely normal" (not to mention that my ovaries are still the size of a massive golfball so it's no wonder they are tender!).

We have our second ultrasound on Wednesday morning. I'm hoping that seeing everything normal and okay on the ultrasound will send these fears back to Hades where they belong. I plan on telling Dr. Lee that I've been having some anxiety issues and asking for advice. My thought is that she will probably tell me to talk to Dr. Bailey about it, since she'll be releasing us to his care. But it doesn't hurt to ask.

The only way that I get to sleep (which, thankfully, I do sleep a lot) is by praying. I just repeat prayers over and over and over again until I pass out. Last night, it was several rounds of the Our Father before starting on the Hail Mary which I eventually fell asleep to. Same thing this morning when I woke up too early to get up. And, of course, the constant requests that St. Gerard, St. Gianna, St. Brighid, and every other saint I can think of who might have some relationship to pregnant women, to pray for our babies and to pray for us.

I know that the fear is natural. How can it not be when our life experiences in the pregnancy arena have been full of heartache as well as joy. But the debilitating anxiety... That's a new thing for me. And I feel so weak for it and for even sharing it, but I dont know what else to do. Especially for those parents who have done this journey, tell me, I'm not crazy. That you've been there. That we're going to make it.

12 comments:

Donna said...

You are NOT crazy. After everything you have been through it is completely understandable that you are nervous about everything you are feeling. I hope you can find some peace. My husband swears by deep breathing. Anytime you are in the midst of a complete break down, stop, close your eyes and take three really deep breaths. It doesn't make the problem go away but it does help to break the panic cycle.

Reba said...

{{{HUGS}}}

I have been there, I am there with you now. I wish I were on the other side saying this with the all-knowing "it will all be well, trust me, look it happened to me" but I can't because I'm still in it too. Every moment is terrifying. Every substance you touch or put in your mouth could potentially be harmful to the baby(ies). Lying in a funny position in bed could crush the baby(ies). Going up the stairs too fast could. Not drinking enough water. Drinking too much water. Putting the laptop too close. Holding a book against your tummy. You name it, I've had (and may still have) that fear.

I can't say it will all be well, but I can tell you I'm here with you and that you can live through this. It's exhausting being so anxious all the time. But as you know already from Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander's brief lives...it is WELL worth it for our babies.

Anthonys mom said...

vaginal secretions during pregnancy is normal... I know its easier said than done... but, try not to freak out on everything ... I know I did at first too though ...
and now, the further along I get. the "moistness" just gets more and more....
it will vary from thick to watery ..

Good luck on wed :)

Living With Loss said...

Anxiety is a horrible thing to experience. But you are not crazy...you are bound to be nervous after everything you've been through. I hope your Dr has some suggestions of something to help you relax a little.

k@lakly said...

You're not crazy. When you have lived through the worst there is nothing you can do to stop your brain from imagining it happening over and over again. YOu have every right to be extra cautious and to be on speed dial to the docs office.
9 months may be a short time for some but it is an eternity for a db mom who is pg again.
I hope things stay put and that you can get a little peace of mind come Wed..

Tammy On the Go said...

Cling to the only one who knows our infirmaties...Jesus. Keep trusting and clinging...

Alicia said...

You are not crazy. Believe me I felt the same way after having 3 miscarriages and a son at 23 1/2 weeks. I have a 2-month old baby girl now after the miscarriages. I was anxious the whole time. Those were the longest 9 months of my life. I thought I would get better after the ultrasound, but I didn't. I thought I would get better after feeling her move, but I didn't. I think you will worry through the whole thing, but try and take care of yourself and those babies. Keep praying and staying strong.

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Oh, Michele. I wish I knew what to say. I wish I could just bottle up all that anxiety and put a cork in it. I cannot even begin to imagine how you must feel. Well, I can imagine. But, you know what I mean.
A few suggestions I have for you (because I don't want you to be locked up in a psych ward) is to try some light yoga and meditation. I could google some for you, because I'm sure there's probably some prayer based meditations out there. But, generally speaking I like yogatoday.com for free yoga classes.
Also, are you seeing a counselor? Are you in a support group? Have you looked for ones that specify pregnancy after loss? I would think your location would be big enough to offer several different groups. It might benefit to meet others who've gone onto to have healthy babies.
It also occurred to me that no test, nothing will absolutely reassure you that all will be OK. I think you're driving yourself crazy with trying to find that crystal ball. I wish I had it for you. I think it's important to listen to your body and proactively address issues you can do something about. But, it's going to drive you crazy to think about every little pain that you can do nothing about right now.
Please don't think I'm saying your stress isn't warranted. And please don't think that I'm saying you should ignore warning signs. I just want the anxiety to leave you. I feel desperate to fix that for you.
Just know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you.
Peace.

Alisha said...

Hi there! I found your blog through comments you have left on mine. I haven't let the cat out of the bag yet on my blog but, I am pregnant too. Cautiously expecting in Dec, just like you! I thought maybe we could check in on each other once in awhile...keep each other sane. Congrats on your beautiful twins. I am due the 22nd.

wereyoulookingforme said...

I haven't experienced losses like you have but I don't think you are crazy. What you have been through changed you and every day you live with those changes. It is normal for you to be afraid, how could you not be? You will need to try to find a way to get through the anxious moments in these coming months. Someone above suggested yoga and I agree, that does help calm me mentally. I also have to say that acupuncture did wonders for me- I never felt more relaxed than after a session. I can't wait to hear about the ultrasound tomorrow. And I hope right now you are fast asleep dreaming happy dreams about your two little babies. {{{HUGS!!!}}}

B said...

Definitely not crazy. I'm feeling it for you

Amanda said...

You're not crazy. You are going to make it.

I've had my doctor test for amniotic fluid or BV at every appointment for the last couple of months. I'm still waiting for my water to break and I still check for bleeding with each visit to the bathroom, and I'm now at 25 weeks. People who haven't been there don't understand how difficult just dealing with normal things can be, because those normal things feel exactly like the bad things.

Hang in there. I often have to take this pregnancy one moment at a time, doing the best I can in that moment, not allowing myself to be consumed by the thought of doing (or surviving) it all.