Make a liar out of me

Friday, April 17, 2009

So, thank you, Mind, for making a complete liar out of me. It looks like the peace wasnt meant to last. I've been a mess all morning, probably the worse so far this pregnancy. Just a mess. Woke up at 6am, cried, freaked, you name it. Poor Peter. All he could do was hold and rock and kiss my forehead and prayer. Nothing could calm me down.

Sorry for the TMI, but I've been having diarrhea that has been knocking the life out of me. I mean, it is not cool to go to the bathroom 4 times in 20 minutes. Not cool at a ll. And I've been having clear, watery mucus. (Don't worry- doesn't smell metallic, no tinting... Had this with Nick & Sophie, dont remember it with Alex.) So, of course, I picked this morning, with this lovely combo, to freak. I havent thrown up, but food isnt my friend. Yet I'm hungry (even though I ate some cream of wheat at 8:30, I'm starving again.) And sneezing. I hate sneexing. My water broke with Alexaner during a sneeze, and I just hate them. I'm convinced I'm going to go into labor with every sneeze. And when I'm pregnant, I sneeze ALL THE TIME. In addition, because of hte bathroom issues, my lower back hurts whenever I have to "go" and I get odd pains around my midsection.

The rational part of my brain says "everything is fine... completely normal." The other part- well, I can't repeat most of what it says.

Why couldnt the peace stay? Is it because I have an ultrasound on Wednesday and the stress and worry of "something" is pushing the good, positive mojo away? Is there something really wrong and it's intuition?

I apologize for the whining. I'm just having a really bad day (which sucks because yesterday was a really good, positive day, and I've had quite a few of those peaceful days.) I'm scared. And I just want to wake up from the nightmare. I realize that every day will be fearful and that there will always be a nagging voice in my head telling me that my pregnancy is headed for disaster. Why cant I just wish it away and have a normal pregnancy? With hopes, not fears... Is that too much to ask?

Say a prayer for my babies, please... And that I'll take a chill pill and relax, and realize that everything is perfectly fine.

15 comments:

nikki wood said...

I'm praying for you, Peter, and the babies daily! I had horrible issues with my stomach being pregnant...the whole time I was pregnant! My tummy would hurt soooo bad :( I hope it goes away!

Donna said...

I'm so sorry it's been a bad day. You sounded so positive and peacful yesterday. I hope the US will help ease your mind a little bit. I'm having terrible nausea issues right now too. I know I need to eat, and I am hungery - but food just makes me so sick to my stomach!!! I hope you can relax a little bit this weekend. Let DH pamper you!

Angelwingsbaby said...

I am sorry you are having such a rough time of things right now.Hang in there I know it will get better. (Is sneezing often, normal when you are pg because I have been doing that a lot lately and wondered if it was linked somehow)Just know that I am here for you if you ever want to talk I can get my number to you through email if you email me for it. My email address is on my blog. ((HUGS))

Reba said...

I hate sneezing too! And coughing too. I was always so afraid that I'd just pop the baby out. People would laugh at me when I said this but it was a real fear. :( I hope tomorrow is a more peaceful day for you.

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Breathe. That's really all the 'advice' I have. I wish I could fix this for you and tell you everything will be fine. I wish it worked that way. That I had a magic wand or magic dust that would make you relax. Or maybe a magical globe that would show us the future with two beautiful, healthy babes in your arms? Perhaps you could picture that and it would help for a moment.
I'm sorry you are feeling yucky, miserable - physically. I'm mostly sorry that you are feeling this emotional roller coaster.
I'm thinking of you, praying for you, sending you love and hugs.
Peace.

Terri said...

I'm so sorry I havent been "around" today! Hope you're feeling better. Sending up prayers. Love & Hugs over the miles. Love Ya!

Seraphim said...

Given how many hormones your body is pumping right now for your two babies no wonder you feel like this. "This too shall pass." The fear will pass and peace will come. You just have to let it. Praying for you hon xxxx

Tammy On the Go said...

Looking forward to hearing more about you....

Catherine W said...

I'm praying for you and for your husband and for your sweet babies.

I understand about the sneezing thing too. And it is scary when you have those nasty tummy pains.

Hope that you soon have that prozac in the air feeling back again soon x

B said...

So sorry its tough Chele,
I think accepting that toughness is going to be big part of this journey - given what you have been through - is about all you can do. It doesn't make it any easier, but perhaps gives a bit of perspective and permission to go to bed for the whole day and watch dvd's if that's what you need to do some days.

Prayers for you and yours.

Living With Loss said...

Hope you're feeling better soon and that tomorrow is more peaceful and positive for you.

You and your babies are in my thoughts.

Phoebe said...

I'm so sorry it's been rough going. Do whatever you need to do to rest and take care of yourself. I hope your doctor can give you some help too. Take care and HUGS!

A n T said...

Praying for you!

MiraclesDHappen said...

hi there...thanks for your comments....i am sorry you have so many obstacles....i dont know what i would do in your position....GL with everything.. you are in my thoughts.

wereyoulookingforme said...

I'm sorry I'm a few days late on reading this and I hope you're in a better place. I can understand why you are panicking and worried, after what you have been through it is understandable. But I believe in you and your body and I think that you can do this, you can go full term with these babies. The first two pregnancies were freak accidents, terrible and awful. But you took from them the knowledge of what to do in this next pregnancy and you have excellent medical care to help you do what needs to be done to stay pregnant. So, my advice is to take deep, calming breaths, listen to your heart and hear it tell you that this pregnancy is going to result in two healthy babies being born.

I know - that is easier said than done. So I will be repeating that mantra for you over the coming months as those babies grow big and strong and healthy in you!