Ramblings...

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I feel so out of whack if I don't post. It's funny because I've never been able to keep up with blogging in the past, but now, it's more than just being a source of theraputic engagment or journaling. It's like talking to good friends. I refresh my Blogger reader so that I'm up-to-date with posts because it's like getting a text message or a quick email from a buddy. And, likewise, I feel compelled to write.

I've been sleeping a lot again. For a few days, I had some crazy energy, but now, we are back to sleeping on the couch after work, getting woken for dinner, and falling back to sleep. Over the last week, I've easily slept 12-14 hours. I get a good night's sleep, sleep for several hours when I get home and then have another nap before going to bed. And it's wonderful. Peter is spectacular. He makes breakfast and dinner, cleans up, and then cuddles or gets me upstairs to bed. Who could ask for better? He's so good to me- to us.

Last night, we cuddled on the air matress in the living room floor that he blew up so I could relax when I get home. Our living room is a mess, but, honestly, I don't care! Laying down is so nice! He has sheets and blankets all set up, so all I have to do is curl up underneath! I know he's tired after a long day, too, but usually the first thing he does is get me a tall glass of water. Then, he asks if I'm hungry and, if I am, he makes a snack. Only then, does he relax. And, as the night wears on, if I'm awake, he'll ask what I want for dinner but otherwise, he just cooks and wakes me. And it's always delicious. Last night, he whipped together some vegan pepper "steak", a baked potato, and some creamed corn. He offered to make me a salad, but I was stuffed after my plate, so I didn't eat my greens (bad girl!). I love him so much. He's so wonderful and caring.

So, one of my staff has alluded to her resignation. I expect it formally on Monday. She plans to leave the same week that I would be leaving. I feel so sad for my library. It's going to be a rough summer. I don't feel that I have other options, though; our family is the most important thing. I'm still not sure how to break it to my boss. I think what I'll say will be along the lines of "Peter and I are expecting again (and our first ultrasound showed X babies). Because I'll need cervical surgery and a fair amount of bedrest, we feel that it is best if I give my notice. My last day will be in 4 weeks." I know that she'll want to discuss it more, and I'm sure we will. I want to thank the library system for working with me and my bedrest in my previous pregnancies, and with my bereavement time afterwards. They've been VERY generous to me. It's actually one of the reasons I'm leaving. I don't want to put the library through months of bedrest and modified duty, only to leave at the end. And, honestly, after losing 3 babies plus losing my miscarried babies, I can't imagine going back to work. Financially, it will be rough, but we'll sacrifice and survive. Better that sacrifice, then losing the time with our children. You never know how long you have. I dont want to wish that we'd done things differently all for a paycheck. Perhaps one day, I will come back to work. We'd love to homeschool, but if we decide to do parochial school instead, I'm sure I will look back to the library world. It is my background and what I've done for the last 12 years. I can't imagine doing something different. I hope that I've left my library much better than I found it and that, regardless of whether I come back in 5 years or 15 years, that it will do me well in finding library work again.

I honestly dont know how she will handle it. Truly, I want to do what is good for the library. It has a piece of my heart. And I feel like leaving and letting someone else take the reigns is what is best. She has said that I've changed since having our kids, and she's right. I am different. Better that I leave while I can still fake a (mostly) positive attitude and for a good reason, than I become one of those nasty, old librarians that we all joke about. I think that, assuming I am sharing with her another staff resigntaion on the same day (which I'm 99% sure I will be doing), she's going to be hit hard and have a bad taste in her mouth. I am trying to come up with a plan that will work for the library, staffing wise, and plan on having a preliminary talk with one of my staff members tonight. Off the record, of course, but it will give me an idea of what we are dealing with.

The last few days have been rough for my BF. Please keep her in your thoughts. She is in the beginning of a divorce that she doesn't want and that could get nasty. If you could say a few prayers for her, I'd appreciate it and I know she would be too. We're trying to be supportive and just give her what we can, but emotionally, this is so trying for her. And it hurts. As I'm sure we can all imagine.

I've been thinking about the kids alot recently. I see their names all the time. Nicholas on the back of a truck... Sophia on some of the leaves at church (a special project where people write down names on leaves and pray for the unknown babies)... Alexander on several book reviews. I smile each time, but it also brings that sadness of knowing that I can't just go home and hold them. Sometimes, I just curl up with their box, wrapped in their blankets, and focus all my energy on holding them again. Other times, I just close my eyes and try to remember their smells, all the while telling myself that they are upstairs sleeping, the thought of their deaths simply too much to bear. If one more person insinuates that another pregnancy takes your sorrow away, I'd like to throw something at them. I've been tempted to say, "If your husband/child died, could you so easily replace them with another? No? Then please dont insinutate that my babies, because they died either very young or through miscarriage in the womb, are so easily replaced." But I dont. I usually try to say that "each baby is different" and that "I love this pregnancy for who he/her/they are, just like I love my other children for who they were and still are." But it makes me angry and it hurts. Another mom was talking about being hurt at comments from others; I understand that all so well. People don't *mean* to be harsh, but they are. Were we all this dumb before our babies died? God, I hope not. Please forgive me if I ever made a callous comment to a parent that was hurting.

Well, it's time to eat! My other favorite event (after sleeping!)!

3 comments:

Living With Loss said...

I'm glad Peter is looking after you so well - he sounds wonderful! Makes all the difference doesn't it?

I think you've made the right decision about your work - after everything you've been through I know you will want to cherish every single second with your baby/babies.

I too wish people would realise that they were still our babies regardless of when/how early they died or the fact that they couldn't stay here with us and that they can't just be replaced.

Thinking of you. And enjoy your sleeping!!

Terri said...

I stopped by & read your blog today. Sending hugs across the miles. Love you!

A n T said...

Peter sounds awesome! Tell him to make a video game teaching husbands so my husband can play and learn some pointers! LOL! Just playing I love my hubby but he can learn to cook and bring me food to bed that would be awesome!

Hope the talk with your boss goes well!