The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Good...

We saw Dr. Bailey tonight. The babies are, as always, beautiful and doing well. They were playing and are big enough that they are up in each other's business. At one point, it looked like they were spooning. Here's a cute head/face shot of their spoons. Very adorable.


Both babies are measuring on size for twins. We will have our 20w scan next Thursday, when we are 20w5d, and they will guestimate weight. But they are smaller than singles; however, that is normal. I have lost 2 pounds, which brings my total weight gain at nearly 20w to only 9 pounds. I asked if that was okay, especially since I eat enough for ten men. Dr B just chuckled and said it's fine. The babies are growing well and, let's face it, I'm not rail thin. Last Saturday's P17 injection wasn only 85% of a full dose. We discussed that and he said not to worry, that it is more than enough to get us to my next dose this Saturday. So that was good to hear also. Of course, the best news was that the babies look great!

Our beautiful Maya...

Our lovely Bobby...

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The Bad...
Well, my blood pressure was the least of the bad at today's visit, coming in at 154/92. But, the worst was, of course, my cervix. Last visit (7/1/09), my cervix had dropped from 4+ down to 2.8. And it was dilated up to the stitch. We were really hoping that it would stay that way. Unfortunately, that wasnt the case. My cervix measured between 1.4 and 2, depending on the angle.
Dr. B. explained as gently as he could (seeing as my disappointment was palpatable) that this was to be expected and he has no false expectations of me passing 30w with any cervix left below the stitch. He foresees my cervix being nonexistent and held closed only by the stitch. Eventually, I will start to dilate with the stitch in place, but hopefully, this wont occur until the mid-30s. He basically said that, while this was expected, we didnt know the "when" and we are now at the place where more restrictions will help keep cervix for as long as we can.
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The Ugly...
Dr B basically took away the few bedrest priviledges that I had, excluding the bathroom. I am no longer allowed to leave the house except for the hospital, so my church going and ocassional wheelchair rides around the block are no more. I am to lay down in bed and to avoid sitting (which still puts some weight on the cervix), although I can sit to eat. Basically, one step away from strict, bedpan only bedrest and 2 steps away from hospital bedrest.
Perhaps the ugliest restriction is no Tennessee trip. We made that decision. Dr B was willing to evaluate us in 4w, to see if anything has changed, but honestly, at this stage and knowing the best we can hope for is status quo... It's too risky. I talked to my mom and she, as upbeat as she could be, told us that we will have a "post baby shower" instead and not to worry at all.
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I couldnt be happier to know the babies are well. I am so grateful for each day. And I cant tell you how thankful I am for the stitch, which is the only reason my body hasnt labored. But I am so disappointed by my cervix. I just about choked when he gave the measurment; it's a hard pill to swallow. While we are all optimistically talking about cerclage removal at 36w, the discussion of "making it to 24w" has come into play. One more month... Aug. 15th... Viability. Dammit for having to think about a place where their chances are 50/50. Dammit.
I wont say how unfair this feels- we all know that. And I cant overemphasize how happy we are to be here, with our babies safe and sound. But tonight has been a rough night and I feel a chink in the armor... A fear that I cant shake...
Please, if you pray, say one for the babies tonight. They are doing so well and it's your prayers helping them on their journeys. Thank you for that...

28 comments:

Amanda said...

Sending up prayers for your beautiful little babies to keep doing so well, for your cervix to behave, for the stitch to do it's job, and for some peace for you and your husband. (((hugs))) Also praying for 30+ weeks!

Just Breathe said...

I will pray for your babies and for you. Dear God keep these precious babies safe until they are large enough and strong enough to live in our world. Do not let them come early. Michele has given you way to many babies, let her keep these please. Lord hear my prayers. Amen

Krystal said...

That great to see that the babies are doing well!

Smile, Beathe and lay in bed!

In the end the bed rest will be so worth it!

djsmom2007 said...

Michele,

I am praying for you! I am so sorry to hear of your cervix. Your babies hit so close to home for me and I continue to follow your blog and this pregnancy with Bobby and Maya.

I am rooting for you. Do as the doctor says and I agree with the decision to not go to Nashville.

I met you through Bereaved Moms Share - Infants on Cafemom. My first son, David Joseph, was born May 14, 2007 at 21 weeks from IC. After 26 months and beginning an international adoption 10 1/2 months ago, we have FINALLY been blessed by God with another pregnancy. His timing, right;) We are just 4.5 weeks in and getting use to the idea and kind of excited, but know it will be a long road.

Thank you for your honesty in your posts and not sugar coating anything. Being real helps people understand they aren't alone!

Glenda Aldridge

Alisha said...

I will definitely say a prayer tonight...and all the nights to come. ((hugs))

Hope's Mama said...

Keeping you and the little ones in my thoughts Michele. I'm so sorry you got this news - you did not need this.
Keep resting, keep doing everything you can. We're all here for you.

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Oh, Michelle. I will pray with all my might for you and the babies tonight. Please know I am thinking of you.

Has your doctor even suggested a hospital bed for your house. One that can make it so that your head is tilted downward and your feet and legs are upward? I've known somebody who did that.

Again, I'm praying.

Peace, my friend.

Amanda said...

I'm so sorry for these recent developments. Praying...

Seraphim said...

Darling girl, I will pray. If anything, this week has taught me about the amazing power of prayer. I am glad the babies continue to thrive and I will be specifically praying for your cervix to stay hard and closed and DO NOTHING for at least 3 months! Lots of love honey.
xxxxx

Busted Tube said...

Oh Michelle, what difficult news to bear. You are so brave and I am keeping you and the babies in my thoughts. I can only imagine how difficult it is for you and your husband. You've made it so far though and that's fantastic! Just a few more weeks (hopefully months)!

Lachlan's Mum said...

I'm so sorry the news was not what you had hoped about your cervix measurements. I can't imaging how scary it must be for you. I'll be thinking of you and your babies. They look adorable in the ultrasound photos.

Angelwingsbaby said...

Oh hun I know complications can be rough and stressful and I feel for you I really do.When I was on bedrest for a month it drove me crazy.Just know that I am thinking of you and that I am here if you need someone,even if you need someone to talk to on the phone to help pass the time.((HUGS))

Catherine W said...

Thank you for your comment. It made me cry but it bought me a lot of comfort too. I do miss her and sometimes I'm sure I must sound so ungrateful. But I know that you understand as you have twins, twice over, yourself.

The babies look lovely. I'm glad to hear that they are doing do well. Good news about the P17 too.

Sorry about the bad news, your cervix obviously isn't attending too well to all your positive reinforcement. Listen up cervix.

And so sorry about the ugly. It must make for a long day, I honestly can't imagine, and it is such a shame about your trip.

Obviously when the discussion about Bobby and Maya turns to "making it to 24w" I begin to get a lump in my throat. It is at once a position that I would hate to be in again but one that I would simultaneously be so grateful for. There is a chance. But damnit, damnit, damnit.

I want Bobby & Maya to make it much, much further than my girls. So, so much.

I will say a prayer for you and your family tonight.

MiraclesDHappen said...

Hang in there...

Annalien said...

May I echo your damnit? I am so sorry that it was not better news. I am praying every day for you and the babies and I will pray that you make it past 30 weeks at least. I so wish that there was more that I could do to ease your situation. May you feel the presence of God with you at all times!

A n T said...

Sending prayers for your stitch to stay put, your body not to dialate and for the babies to keep baking! I pray God works a miracle and your next cervix measurement will be longer than this one!

Reba said...

Oh Michele, I am keeping all of you in my thoughts. I am so sorry the cervix news wasn't better! The good news is, your cervix is still closed and you do still have some cervix left right now. And you're doing everything you can to keep it closed. Did your doctor mention starting hospital bed rest earlier (like now)? I know it isn't what you or anyone wants, but did he think it would be more effective? I just love your doctor...he seems like such a wise and good doctor. Stay in bed and keep growing those precious little babies!

Donna said...

I'm soooo glad the babies are doing well and growing. They are just adorable!!!

But I'm sorry your cervix isn't being more helpful. You are such an amazing woman and mommy. Even in the face of some pretty restrictive bedrest you have such an upbeat and positive attitude. I'm hoping that the next few months fly by for you as quickly and uneventfully as possible!

I'm sorry about the trip being cancelled too. I know how much you and your Mom were looking forward to that. But it will be an even bigger celebration once the babies are here.

((HUGS))

Bluebird said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry about the strict bedrest and Tennessee trip and everything! *But*! I admire your grace and strength with which you speak of all this. I'm so glad the babies continue to look well, and will continue to hold you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Our Journey... said...

I'm so thankful the babies are still looking great but so sorry that for the not so good news and the stricter bed rest. Hang in there, you have a ton of people pulling for you and the babies!

Shinejil said...

So sorry you're facing the strict bedrest, but you are so committed to these little guys! It's really touching.

I'll be hoping you get WAAAAY beyond 24w and into the 30s. I'm praying for your babies and their continued growth and health.

c. said...

Wishing the journey could be easier and hoping with everything in me that your babies make it out safely as they should. XO.

Barefoot said...

What a tough day. I am sending lots of prayers your way -- for all of you.

cheryllookingforward said...

Your love for these two babies is amazing already - I'll keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers for the next few months

Sophie said...

Thinking of your precious babes and hoping, praying that they stay safe. I hope you can rest up. I would hate bedrest! My back would hurt so much. I don't know very much about 'stitches' and 'cerclages' but they sound awful. I hope things either stay the same or get better, not worse.

We'll make it to 24 weeks (I'm there next week) and then we'll take it one step at a time.

xx

sweetsarah said...

hang in there guys, hospital bedrest isn't as bad as it sounds, i was on hospital bedrest with megan for 5 weeks. all our thoughts and prayers are with you. i KNOW the babies are gonna make it, i can feel it.
keep your chin up.
love sarah

Anonymous said...

Hi!
I don't know quite how I came across your blog, but I am thankful that I found it. I am amazed at how you and your husband have let the Lord strengthen you, and I feel a deep empathy for the loss of your 3 beautiful babies.
I wanted to tell you that I am going to remember in my prayers throughout the rest of your pregnancy. You are due 12/5 and I am due 12/12 with boy / girl twins. Although my husband and I have never lost a baby, we experienced 12 painful years of trying to concieve. I am experiencing anticipatory grief right now..just scared that we will lose them. I just had a cerclage done yesterday at 18w5d because my cervix began to funnel from 3cm to 1.8cm at 16 weeks.. we watched it for a couple of weeks hoping that it would be stable but on Monday, I only had ~1cm left and the funnel had turned into a big U shape with my little guys foot kicking around in it! I am very nervous and just daily asking God to help us not to lose hope.. the unknown outcome is so hard. What He does know is our heart's desire to bring these babies into the world, and He places the love that we have for them into our hearts. Stay hopeful, even though it is scary. God bless you and your husband too!!
Anna(annajanine*at*gmail.com)

Stace said...

So happy to see the babies doing well. I am thinking of you. I can't even imagine the stress that you're under. On the upside, hospital bedrest- if you get there-, while isolating, is a godsend. It takes away so much of the worry of missing things. The constant monitoring, while tiring, is so reassuring and you know you're in the best hands. Take it easy and I'll be hoping for the best.