Day 11: T-13

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Wow... less than 13 days until viability. That's less than 2 weeks. (Okay, it's only one day less but still...) To me, it seems crazy to even think we are that close. Honestly, ever since my mother's ring arrived and we were discussing the next two birthstones, when Peter told me tourmaline was October's stone, I have had the sensation that the twins will be born in mid-late October (which, when you look at Nov 7 as the "twin EDD" of 36w, isnt all that scary).

We are doing well. No contractions, still. Lots of baby movement. Friends, T & A, visited yesterday and were able to feel them. It was neat to see the looks on their faces. T is a co-worker of Peter and he brought me homemade Pad Thai (which I adore) and A brought me some of the sweetest smelling lavendar soap. But the best part was the nice, long visit. We laughed and had a grand time. Sarah is coming today and bringing with her some tank tops that Peter ordered for me to add to my current collection (which is all I wear in the hospital).
Yesterday, Peter hung up my pregnancy calendar on the wall next to the bed and the crucifix over it. Thank goodness for those 3M sticky things that are easy to remove from walls. They work great! We use them around Christmas time to hang decorations and so he picked some up (along with soft toilet paper... spoiled... I know).

I cried most of yesterday. For the most part, it was just the kind of crying where my eyes were watering, tears were on my cheeks, but I could keep myself in check. I know that part of this is because I dont want to induce contractions by sobbing, but part of it, too, is that this is a normal way that I cry. I held their box and blanket, clutching them to me, missing them all but especially Nicholas. 18 months is a long time. I think of all the milestones he would have crossed... All the things he'd be doing. How he'd be a chubby, bubbly baby... How he'd be halfway to his 2 year birthday. A toddler instead of an infant. Oh, how this hurts. But I survived until Peter brought in his dinner last night, so lovingly made by my mother-in-law. I was weeping during his prayer but, after the first bite, openly sobbing. I had to bury my head in the pillows and just gasp for air. It needed to come out. Holding it back was only making it worse. Peter climbed into bed with me and we just held and rocked and remembered. 18 months ago my son was born and, like I was last night, I was in a hospital room, trying desperately to hold onto his sibling (and now, siblings).

Such a common misconception is that pregnancy somehow changes things. People tell me how much better I must feel knowing that I am pregnant again. That I have passed by the delivery dates of Nick, Sophie, and Alex. That I am "close" to having a "live" child. Worse are the comments that God has replaced our first twins with another set of b/g twins. Or that these babies are just replicas of their older siblings. That we will "finally have a boy and a girl to play with". Hearts are in the right place, I know, but these statements arent true. And the more people continue to believe that simply having another pregnancy/child fixes the heart that a grief stricken parent feels, the more insensitivity to loss will be. It's no different than the person who told me, after Nicholas died, that, because I had Sophia, I should be grateful. That most people didnt have a spare. Really? A spare? That was what my daughter was reduced to??? Again, it comes from not thinking, not a desire to hurt. They have no reference, so they really dont know. But with this pregnancy more than any other, it really burns me. I'm not getting a second chance. There are no second chances when your baby dies. God isnt replacing one child with another; every person is special and unique. And this pregnancy sure as hell doesnt make me "feel better". There isnt some special mark where you suddenly feel better. My children have died. I miss them. I always will. Loving them keeps me sane. The discounting by others makes me angry. And please... please... please... dont think that I suddenly "have a boy and a girl". I had a boy and a girl when they were conceived in Oct 2007. And I had a second little boy the second he was conceived in Aug 2008. We now have yet another beautiful son and daughter, since they came into my womb in March. They are all gifts. Telling me that finally I will have something I already have just makes me want to give you an on-the-spot sensitivity workshop.
But I digress... It actually has been a good weekend. And most people avoid putting their feet into their mouths. But there are always the well meaning friends and family and aquaintances who slip up. And they dont know any better. I know this. I dont hold it against them.

It's thundering and lightening here, and a storm is brewing. I can see the gray clouds from my hospital bed. I love to just watch the rain. Storms are some of my favorite weather. They mirror how I feel inside most days.

Well, I think I will ask Peter to continue hanging some homey things on the wall... I'll make sure to take pics with my cell and post them so that you can all see how happy our room looks. :)
I will leave you with some happy pics, taken today, at 22w1d. In the words of my adoring husband, "You are getting big!". (Don't worry: the naked belly shot with a heart will be here in 2w. We do those for our monthly shots.)
front view
side view

24 comments:

Donna said...

The belly pics are beautiful!

People try to come up with something to say because they feel like they have to say something. Usually they should just keep their mouths shut. And you're right - their hearts are usually in the right place, they just don't get how hurtful some things can be.

You have 5 beautiful children! (WOW!!!)

ezra'smommy said...

People say the world's dumbest things...just sending you much love and prayers

Queenie. . . said...

I am so sorry that you have had to know the pain of losing children. You are so incredibly strong to have been through all you have. And you continue to so well--you are an inspiration!

Megan said...

Hi Michele and Peter!

I'm from the BBC (Dec '09 board) :)
I was just thinking of you guys and thought I'd check up on your blog to see how you were doing.

I'm thrilled to see that you've been getting good reports from the Dr- and all is looking positive for the days ahead!

Send more prayers and good thoughts your way!

Catherine W said...

You are looking so beautiful Michele. Glad to hear that everything is well. I've been thinking about you and your beautiful family such a lot as you approach this point.

You must miss them so much. 18 months. The blink of any eye and such a long, long time. I'm crying now too.

I've been on the receiving end of some of those 'spare' comments. I know that they are meant kindly but they do sting. They don't seem to place enough value on our children or the love that we have for them. That love which is specifically and separately for them, for each individual child.

Glad you enjoyed the storm, I like them too. Prayers and thoughts from across the ocean xx

tbonegrl said...

I happened upon you from a beautiful comment you left on another blog. God Bless you and thank you for sharing your journey...painful and beautiful. My prayers are with you all.

mekate said...

beautiful belly! and less than two weeks-- praying praying praying for time to pass quickly and uneventfully.

And happy birthday Nicholas, oh how your momma loves you.

thinking of you Michele,
Kate

Alison said...

I've been reading your blog for a while but I think I have only commented once before. Anyway... I just wanted to say your faith and beliefs about motherhood are wonderful. Your children, all of them, are very blessed to have such a loving mother. My dh, our twins, and I are praying for you and your babies, through the intersession of St. Gerard. God bless!

Cassandra said...

I think it's good that you're expressing your emotions, but just FYI, in case you need to shut off the crying later for the purpose of avoiding contractions...

You can cut off the sobbing if you breathe deeply. When we cry our breathing is really shallow, but if you force yourself to breathe properly, the crying usually ends quickly, if you want it to.

Congrats on making it to less-than-2-weeks to viability!

bankshot said...

Just dropping a note to say HI! gald to hear all is going well! think of your family often... sounds like your dinner was beautiful... what a great way to remember your precious son... He is in Jesus arms... or should I say toddling around in heaven...:) God bless! ~Michelle Dec.09 twins BBC

Angelwingsbaby said...

Yeah I have had similar comments of "well meaning" people.They can be hard to shrug off but do your best.I can't believe that we are so close in how far along we are.It sure is going fast,I am trying to savor every moment.Hang in there.((HUGS))

B said...

Counting the days with you.

cheryllookingforward said...

You have a lovely belly!

Our Journey... said...

You look awesome... hang in there!

Carrie said...

YAY! I am loving these no-contraction reports out of you! I am hoping all continues this way for another 10 weeks at least!

I am sure your day was full of sorrow and remembrance, too. I am thinking of your angel children, too. They were irreplaceable.

12 more days!!!

Sophie said...

Looking good Michele! Glad to see you up and about. Just knowing you were bedridden made my butt sore!!!

xx

Seraphim said...

You know I'm counting down each day with you and praying ever so hard. And sometimes people say really stupid things because they don't get it. I know I haven't been where you are, haven't suffered what you have suffered but you know the love and heartfelt thoughts are there. xxxx

Barefoot said...

Look at you!! Glad to hear that things are continuing to go well. I'm sorry that you're having to endure the comments from people who don't really know what they're talking about. :(

Jenni said...

Michele, I have a calander on my desktop so that when I log in, I can count down the days with you. Your support and love throughout my pregnancy was a blessed gift. I try to remember to pray for you daily.

Alyssa said...

I just started reading your blog, I found it through Stirrup Queen. I look forward to reading your updates as your babies continue to grow inside you. I can't imagine the pain that you have been through and how hard it is to get through each day when you know that your whole family is not together. Your blog is such a wonderful way to document your experience and it is so generous of you to share your story with other women. It really helps puts thing in perspective for me - I need to focus more on the blessings in my life instead of focusing on what I don't have.

Anne said...

I love your tummy. Thirteen days. This is wonderful. Many hugs to you and the babies.

Tanika said...

Thank you for visiting my blog and sharing your story. You have just given me great encouragement. I am so happy for you and where you are now. I pray that your twins are safe and remain tucked under your heart until the offical time of their arrival. many blessings to you~
Tanika

Amanda said...

You look great!! Less than 2 wks. You hang in there. We are all cheering you on. And (((HUGS))) for the stupid/insensitive things people say. If they just stopped and thought for a moment I dont believe they would utter most of the things they say. Thinking of you and your beautiful twins.

Infertility is Hard said...

I'm really sorry for the pain you are feeling. You are right though, people just assume pregnancy will erase all the pain from before. But the pain will always be there, but I do hope it lessens for you as time goes on.

It sounds like you have a wonderful group of friends bringing you food and stuff. :-D