Day 33: T-5

Monday, August 24, 2009

Well, it has been 2 days of ups and downs. The babies are great. :) That is the biggest up, always.

Yesterday, I didn't feel much like posting, except to share Alexander's 9m birthday. I've been battling some "bedrest depression" the last few days. Very much a personal pity session that falls along the lines of "why cant I just be normal". My entire life has been spent outside of the curve and I've often had moments of wishing I could be "just like everyone else". As I've grown older and accepted things about myself, I've accepted the skin I'm in. But infertility and then mourning my children has left me with a longing to be "normal". To be someone who gets pregnant whenever they try... To have uneventful, happy pregnancies where their children are born full term and healthy...

For most of my pregnancy, I have shoved my feelings aside; the feelings of gratefulness at each day have kept those feelings at bay. But as my body starts to ache from the months of being in bed and I hear the stories of people near me and in my own family who dont get a rat's ass about their pregnancies complaining and wishing for a premature baby just to "get it over with" and giving birth to healthy babies in spite of their bad behavior, it has gotten harder and harder to wash over the things I've missed. In a way, I feel like I am having to mourn the pregnancies of our dreams because they are things I cant accomplish. Other pregnant women are wearing cute maternity outfits; my wardrobe consists of pajama pants and stretchy tank tops. While couples are out at the movies or dinner with their bumps in game, Peter is wheeling my bedside table over so that I can eat or refill my endless water cup. Our normalcy revolves around twice daily monitoring, weekly ultrasounds, and bloodwork. Is it so bad to want to be normal? To be able to enjoy childbirth classes or light exercise or a walk around the block? To be able to attend church or take an active role in planning a baby shower?

So, yesterday, this all came to a head. Perhaps it was meant to do so or perhaps it was my talk with my mom about my brother's girlfriend (due in 4 weeks). I dont know. But it spiraled and I cried quite a bit. Peter doesnt really understand, I dont think, just how much it hurts to not havea "perfect" pregnancy when you've tried so long... I know that he walks my infertility journey with me, but I think that he is so happy to be pregnantt and doing whatever we can to get full term that the idea of "mourning" a lost ideal doesnt connect with him. And I do get that. Which is why I am just so happy to be pregnant every single day and I do know how lucky I am to be given the chance to continue a pregnancy be it via bedrest, or whatever. But it still hurts that I have fallen short of my own expectations. And, for whatever reason, it took me 25w to get to the point where I feel like I need to mourn that so that I can let it go and move on.

I talked to Dr B today. There were good points and then a really bad point. On the good side, my discharge date is being tentatively set for 28w even: Sept 12th. (Yes, this is the day of the unshower so, as Peter said, it will be a "welcome home" party, too.) Discharge is usually around 11am. This could change, of course, if my cervix misbehaves, I start having contractions, etc. But this gives us an idea and a date to aim for, and it allows Peter to make some work plans, since he wants to take some time off to get the house cleaned and ready for our return. Also, instead of weekly appointments, Dr B said that he thinks it would be best to see me in the office every 2 weeks so that I am not in the car for almost an hour each way plus sitting up in the waitnig room for an hour plus, etc, every week. The appointments will be in his office. At the sign of any changes, I'm back in the hospital. During our "off" weeks, he said that we could do a phone consult to discuss any issues that have arisen, and that, of course, I am welcome to call him anytime if we have any concerns. He stressed that, any changes, and he will yank me back into the hospital for the remainder of the pregnancy so to not get too comfy at home. He hopes that I wont have any issues and will be able to stay home until the cerclage comes out, but he also said that he's not willing to take any risks if it looks like the hospital is safer. He'd rather us be back in the hospital until the cerclage comes out than risk something at home, even if the change looks minor. Which we completely agree with. We are grateful for the opportunity to go home and have as "normal" a pregnancy as we can, but if that does cause even a minor change, we'd rather come back to the hospital and wait out whatever weeks we have remaining. Another good thing: my blood pressure. Since it has been really low, he said that he is fine with the nurses using parameters as to when to give it to me and that, if it looks like we can, he's considered dropping my meds all together and using them on an "as needed" basis. He said that he isnt ready to make that decision yet because my top number is still coming in around 140 at times but that he takes heart that my BP has been low for the most part (usually under 120/80 by several points). I've also been given permission to sit up to eat. Tonight, I will be having dinner sitting in the chair. :) I really am excited about this, since I get heartburn after I eat. He said that no hanging out in a sitting position, but for the short time of eating, he is okay with trying it out.

And now, for the really bad news. My blood sugar. So, I was incorrect in my previous post about 120 being the end of normal. It is the end of normal AFTER a meal, not fasting. A normal fasting is under 90. Dr B said that he expected me to be slightly elevated because of the bedrest and twins and was prepared to let a small elevation go. When he saw my 117 from the other day, he said that he assumed I had possibly eaten something small or that the test had been done within several hours of eating. He had not distinctly ordered the fasting test; the CRNP had after she asked if I had fasted. I confirmed today that I had NOT eaten within 8h of the test. So, this morning, I had a finger stick test (think the whole diabetic daily stick test type thing) and my result, after fasting for almost 11h: 128. That's right. Nearly 40 points above normal. (And, actually, most labs consider 110 to be the cut off, which would make me, as Dr B called me, an "overacheiver". Nice...) He decided that doing the 1 hr is pointless since I am guaranteed to fail at this point (since it should be less than 120 after the drink), which also makes the 3h still moot. Not that I'm complaining; the nasty sugar drink was not at the top of my list of fun things to do. A nutritional counselor is coming in along with a diabetic counselor to discuss food options, etc, that impact blood sugar and how to try and manager my blood sugar with diet. I will get a finger prick every morning prior to eating and then one 2h after eating for the next several days. If, even with a diet modification, my levels are way above normal, he wants to discuss insulin injections.

I spoke with my favorite nurse, who came to do my 2h post lunch reading. (199... yeah... that is really bad...) She knew I was upset and said that it happens and to try not to worry. She said that, as far as impact to the babies, the biggest issue is that they may continue to grow bigger, which is in their favor as twins. She said that, post birth, they will have to have heel pricks every 3h for 24h to make sure their blood sugar is normal but that if they were born preemies, this would happen anyway and to try not to worry. For me, she said the biggest issue is that I will need to stick to a 2200 cal diet (which she thinks I am already doing, since she sees my meals that come in; she said that I am one of the healthiest eaters in pregnancies that she has seen in recent days and that she thinks my "diet modification" wont really be much of a modification at all). Since my weight gain is well under what the norm is, she said that is also not a concern. She reiterated what Dr B had said: that most likely this is a result of 2 placentas plus a lack of walking/mobility combined with a predisposition to insulin resistance due to PCOS. It sucks, but, in the grand scheme of things, I could be much worse and be eating poorly, gaining a lot of weight, etc., and that, while the situation isnt ideal, I am healthy and that makes a huge difference. (I love this nurse.) She explained that after discharge, I will still have to prick myself at home and submit the results to Dr B.

I cant lie. I am still saddened by this. I really hoped I'd just be marginally over the line and not "bad". I'm also pissed off. I feel like this is just one more slap in the face of my "planned" pregnancies.

But, it is a blessing that we are finding out now versus a few more weeks. If diet can get this under control (although everyone seems doubtful since I have a good diet now, but we shall see...) then great. If not and it takes insulin injections, as long as it keeps the babies healthy, then I'm there. No problem. After all, it's just another needle and, thanks to infertility, I'm used to those... Even if I hate them...

On a cute note, I took belly measurements. When I met Peter, I was 29" and I loved it... A decade of marriage, PCOS, Hashimoto's, and our pregnancies brought that measurement to 37" at the date of conception of Bobby and Maya. Right now... It is 48". Quite the belly... My fundal measurement is 38cm, which puts me on par with a 36w singleton... So 11w ahead. Fun times!

While I'm still having a rough day because of the diabetic thing, but my mood was just improved by a visit from our pastor, Fr P. We had such a nice, laid back visit, full of smiles and laughter, as well as church news. It really did help. It took my mind off the "bad news" of the day and brought some joy into the day.

28 comments:

MiraclesDHappen said...

sounds like your pregnancy is coming along...hopefully you get off bed rest soon :) hopefully the insulin isn't too bad, my sister had gestational diabetes is this the same thing?

Cassandra said...

Sorry to hear about the blood sugar.

You know, Dr. B could solve the problem of sitting for an hour in his waiting room by just seeing you immediately. Just sayin'.

Lorza said...

awwww...you are just too darn sweet. :) I am sorry about the blood sugar issues- that really sucks. I so happy you are going to get to go home soon though. That is awesome!!! Hope you enjoy your new found privledges (sitting up, etc.)
I can't even imagine how hard it is for you.

Rain Child said...

If I may offer a link to a blog, that hopefully will make you laugh a little.....

http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com/2007/10/strap-in-shut-up-and-hold-on-were-going.html



I am sorry it's been a rough few days.

Barefoot said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the diabetes....I'm hoping that the modifications won't be too taxing for you. Exciting that you've got a discharge date planned!!

Lorza said...

P.S. Thank you for starting to follow my friend Jami's blog on her trip to the Ukraine orphanage. That gives me the warm fuzzies. :) My IRL and IF worlds are mingling- watch out world! :)

Just Breathe said...

That is so much information. I am happy that you are able to sit up to eat. I can't relate to your frustration on bed rest but I can imagine how difficult it must be. ( So here I am at home depressed often for no particular reason and I will spend days on the sofa just watching movies. Wish I could take some of your bedrest for you)
I think that we all look back with regrets. Mine being that I wish I could have experience a natural birth and not c-sections. I know that you want to be out their shopping in those cute outfits and it sucks that you can't. But pretty soon you will be out their shopping with two cute little babies in their cute little outfits. I can't wait. The important thing is that the babies are well and each week brings you closer to them. I will pray for God to give you the strength to get through this. Pray that you will be able to go home very soon and that will bring some normal back to you. Take care and I am always thinking about you, looking forward to your posts each day.

Lachlan's Mum said...

It's OK and valid to mourn a normal pregnancy. Of course having healthy babies at the end of your pregnancy is the number one goal, but it doesn't meant that you're not disappointed that you aren't having the same experience that everyone else seems to have out there. That makes a lot of sense to me. I'm sorry it's been so difficult for you. I hope that Maya and Bobby's kicking cheers you up a little bit.

Sophie said...

Keep smiling Michele. You're doing a great job.

xx

Molly said...

Hey Michelle, dont worry about the diabetes, tehy are right, it really affects lots of women, its not a slap to your pregnancy. I had one too and I was able to control it quite nicely with the insulin shot and a diet. THe only bad thing is that its horrible to have a newborn having the blood drawn. It takes a while as they have so little blood and they scream and scream and its so heartbreaking. I was breaking down each time my baby had a blood drawn and cried really hard. I felt so bad for her becuase she was so nice and safe and cozy in my tummy and now she had to deal with this crap and was only few hours old. But we got past it, she doesnt remember and she's fine now. And also, another thing we got becuase of the diabetes is the jaundice becuase of which we had to return to the hospital to go under the lithgts. But she got rid of it already and is totally fine, it doesnt affect her. So dont worry too much, you and your babies will be fine

Hope's Mama said...

My greatest wish for you, aside from your two babies being born healthy and whole, would be for you to experience a normal pregnancy. Our losses are so different, but I do almost feel guilty I get it so easy. I wish this for you, and so much more. I think of you so often (even dreamt about you the other night) and think "I am lucky I'm not stuck in the hospital bed all day like Michele is, with all those extra fears that I don't have to deal with". I think you're doing amazingly well, even if I don't comment here every day to say so.

Kate said...

I think its okay to be grateful for your pregnancy and to mourn what you wish could have been a healthy pregnancy. I'm sorry that its been so rough for you and its awful all that you have had to go through. I hope you will be discharged for home rest at 28w and I hope that once the babies are here (HEALTHY ONTIME AND HAPPY) all of this will seem like a distant memory. *hugs*

Busted Tube said...

I'm glad that the babies are continuing to do so well, though I'm sorry your blood sugar isn't perfect- fortunately the doctors have good fixes for that...
While I certainly haven't had your experiences I know a tiny bit about what you mean- I know I'll never greet a positive pregnancy test with the joy and awe that a regular pregnant woman has... I'm sorry you've had to spend your pregnancy in bed and haven't had a chance to celebrate and be spoiled in the ways the 'normals' do during pregnancy. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Reba said...

we are both mourning what we would have been lately, aren't we. while i was on bedrest during the ham's pregnancy, i felt the same way. like i had been cheated out of the "fun" parts of being pregnant. in addition to all the other stuff we went through, infertility and loss and everything. but you know what, you will hopefully look back on this time with fondness. it won't seem so long or bad or scary (blood sugar-wise) in memory. i hope. i am so glad you might get to go home at 28 weeks. and yay for big babies!

Michelle said...

I am so sorry about the hard time you are going through. I imagine that it has got to be frustrating to be stuck in bed and in a hospital when everyone else does not have to. I think your feelings are completely normal.

As I was reading I was thinking how I am often wishing I was normal too. I could not imagine what it would be like to just say "hey lets have a baby" and 9 months later there it is. I also was thinking that I may have to go through this too...if I ever keep a pregnancy longer then 8 weeks.

You have every right to be frustrated and complain because all you have gone through. sometimes you just need to get it off your chest. It does not mean you are ungrateful. With IF and loss, we lose so much, I hope the right to be frustrated and feel down is not one of them.

I am glad the babies are doing well and sorry about your blood sugar. Just keep repeating 09/12, 09/12...

Thinking of you and sending hugs!

sprogblogger said...

I am so sorry you're having a hard time with the bedrest and the lack of a "normal" pregnancy. Of course - and you know this - it sure sounds like your "abnormal" pregnancy is doing exactly what it's supposed to - resulting in healthy babies. And all the baby showers and cute outfits & everything else? Merest frosting that you won't miss once you've got them in your arms.

You are always in my thoughts, and I cannot tell you how delighted I am by how well you and your kids are doing. You are an inspiration, my dear. Hang in there.

Carrie said...

Oh Michele,

I am so sorry you are having to go through this at all. It is not fair, one bit, and as you point out, the emotional stress and physical discomfort of bed rest are bound to come to a head sometimes. I am already whining and I've only been here a few days.

I truly hope the GD is under control with diet, too and you don't have to add insulin shots to your day. That would be awful although I know you will do whatever you need to do for your little lovies.

I keep thinking maybe we'll both be on our couches at 28 weeks, supervising nursery decoration and what not. This vision is getting me through today. We are going to get there, but our road is lonelier and longer... I wish we could just push our beds next to each other!

Sending much love and a better day tomorrow.

B said...

It's not surprising that you have had a blue day.

I mean, you have been holding so much emotion just to get through each day...... and now your two littlies are getting safer and safer each day, maybe some of the other things are starting to surface.

You're doing great. You both are.

Be gentle on yourself.

I'm doing OK too - thanks for the note on my blog.

B

Annalien said...

Hi, I don't have any words of wisdom to make it easier for you, but I do want to send you a hug. You are doing amazingly and I pray that God will give you the strength for the rest of this journey. The prize at the end is so worth it! ((Hugs))

Leah said...

Thinking of you sweetie.

You've had so many difficult experiences and it is so hard to see people who have the "perfect" experience. I know it's something I struggle with as well.

Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Hi, Sweetie!! Hummm...diabetes, eh? Whether brought on by the pregnancy or would it just have happened? Well, as a diabetic, I can tell you that numbers are just that: they are numbers that the medical profession uses for a guideline. Discuss this with Peter. Numbers are just information. And from very personal experience, I can tell you that stress zips up the numbers. Since you can't exercise, it limits bringing down the numbers. Everyone with diabetes is different, that's why diabetes is so...well...it's just very individualized. Diet, exercise, and stress-free are the answers (and maybe along with the meds) but that is not reality. So one does what can do to get the numbers "under control." Again, as a diabetic, don't think of the numbers being "good" or "bad." It adds too much stress to being perfect. Don't need it. The numbers are just information; really talk to Peter about this and how one soda pop can send numbers high or low, then one knows not to have soda pops. It's all information; put it into the scientific study mode. I think one of the biggest tips my dr gave me years ago was if a number really seems out of line, retest. It could be a malfunction of my test strip or my prick of blood could have gotten contaminated. Of course, the number was usually right, but that brought to home how "it is just a number" and does not define me as a person. Of course, in a hospital setting, this is unlikely, but it takes some of the scariness away and makes it more like science. There are always variables; loads of them. And you just figure out about the variables and go from there. Yes...one more thing. Ugh. Just remember those delicious strawberry pies you used to buy at Shoney's and share with all of us at work. They don't make them like that anymore. So...not worth the calories or the sugar rush whether up or down. Diabetes does get easy, it's just getting the information that you need. Please, please talk to the nutritionist, then discuss it all with Peter. Get the science in the discussions; it really helps deal with the emotional rush that happens. Okay, I've gone on enough. Take good care. Hugs to ALL!! Love, PJ

wifey said...

While I haven't been in your shoes I think I get where you're coming from with the mourning of a "normal" pregnancy. Every time I see a cute preggo, I die a little inside. even though we're moving on to adoption, I think I will still always mourn the pregnancy thing.

Hang in there. You are doing such a fabulous job! I hope your spirits pick up.

Shinejil said...

It sucks to have yet another thing wrong, but as "wrong" things go, GDM is one of the better ones--there is some debate about its meaning (esp in twin pregnancies), its treatment, and treatment's effect on outcomes (which is fairly minor even in recent studies showing treatment makes any difference at all). Also, you're right: bedrest completely skews blood sugar tests. So you may be completely normal after all. :)

But that's not to say your feelings of continually getting the crap end of the pregnancy stick aren't valid; they are, and it's difficult to be reminded of that. I'm amazed you've been so strong and upbeat through all these weeks. It's inspirational, and I hope you get to enjoy some lovely time at home with your family.

Catherine W said...

Hugs. I certainly grieved for a 'normal' pregnancy, an uneventful, happy pregnancy that didn't end is such drama. And I have far little right to do so. It isn't fair. It really isn't my dear.

Anyone I ever hear wishing for a premature baby is due a slap round the chops from me I'm afraid.

One of my friends said to me 'You don't do childbirth quietly in your family do you C?' and that stung. She didn't mean it to but it did.

I'm sorry about the blood sugar. It sounds like you are doing everything in your power to help the situation. Sounds like your diet is ideal (wish the same could be said for me at the moment!) and that the babies are growing just beautifully.

Thinking of you xx

cheryl said...

the blue days are totally normal, and i think it's amazing that you have as few of them as you do. and the mourning a normal pregnancy is totally normal -- and can seem to come out of the blue. (mine got bad when we were planning my on-the-couch, super-early-in-case-baby-comes-next-week, 27-week baby shower). i also got hit with the GD bomb at 25 weeks and while on hospital bedrest, and was so irritated at one more thing that wasn't going right. you're right though that in the grand scheme of things, it's nothing. if you can believe it, it actually was another thing that provided some normalcy and structure to the day (test, insulin, eat, wait, test, wait, eat, repeat....). anyway, just wanted you to know you're not alone in all of this, even though i know it must feel that way.

Busted Tube said...

I hope your week is going well and that you're feeling better- just wanted to drop by and share some support. It's a difficult road you're walking, but you're doing it beautifully and with so much grace.

Sugar & Ice said...

I had was a borderline gestational diabetic with my first daughter, so I do understand. The diet was not my cup of tea, but it was manageable...I did have a list of foods I wanted to eat straight after deliver though :). Thankfully, I somehow passed the test with my twins; I was so not looking forward to that diet again!

Good luck with the remainder of your pregnancy!

BB said...

You are doing a great job Michele! It is probably beyond my imagination as to how much you are going through right now... but this is all for a happy and healthy family! I am hoping that you get to go home on bedrest! Your babies and you are in my thoughts and prayers! Thanks for the information about TSH! {HUGS}