NICU Day 19

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Today just isnt my day... After being uber productive yesterday, I decided to start today by going to the hospital without my pumping equipment (and, of course, not realizing it until I sat down and was ready to hook up... Never have I felt like a worse mother than having to miss Bobby's care time for my own dumb mistake... This is why I usually prepare my bag at night, but last night when we got home from the hospital, we were just so busy.

Maya was wide awake when I arrived. She got her bath after we left last night (at her 8pm care time, her temp was 0.2 degrees too low, so she was spared, LOL). She dropped a little weight but otherwise was fine last night. This morning, very awake and loving on her snuggly. I have to admit, I smiled inside when I saw her pressing her face against it. I hope she was thinking that it smelled like mommy and she wanted to be a little closer to it. She was also sucking her thumb, which was absolutely adorable. She sucked her pacifier a bit too. But she was just so wide awake! Very uncommon for our princess, who likes her beauty rest. I sat with her for 20 minutes, stroking her golden hair, talking to her, and just being with her, and when she fell asleep, I went to the lactation room.

And found myself unprepared. To say I was miffed was an understatement, especially since my tatas were not feeling so happy being told they'd have to wait an hour for the ride home.

So, I went back to the NICU and explained to the nurse my error and that I wouldnt be able to stay for Bobby's care time, that I would just spend some time with him and then go. So, I sat by his isolette but he was just so sound asleep that I didnt want to bother him. Just opening one frame of his cover brought in light and even my hand gently resting on his head caused him to stir. I ended up only spending five minutes. I just didnt want to wake him up when he was going to be woken for his assessment in an hour.

I drove home on the verge of tears. Today is the first time that I havent done both of the "little" things of their assessments when I visit (temperature and diapers). I also didnt spend nearly as much time as normal. Half an hour ago, when his assessment was started, did he look around and wonder where his mommy, who is always with him at noon, was? Ugh.. Rips my heart out!

Last night, he got his bath and was slightly calmer than last time. Still not happy about it, but better than the first time. And he topped 3 pounds!

I'm hooked up to the moochine now... Once I'm finished, it's more laundry for me! And I have to write thank you notes at some point...

25 comments:

6p00e55008a4aa8834 said...

Oh sweetie, it must be awful to have to commute to see your babies!
When my friend's babies were in the NICU she couldn't hold one as often as teh other because of the bili lights, and at one point she said "i haven't held her in x days! that's half her life!" Try not to be too hard on yourself. Attachment is not a rigid thing, it grows from the ruptures and healing. Not to say that you actully did anythign damaging,but I know you feel as if you did.
Take care, and rest!

Reba said...

I know it's hard but try to go easy on yourself! You are dealing with a LOT right now and you are handling it marvelously. I would have been having a temper tantrum myself, so I applaud you for only being on the verge of tears. I just don't handle surprises or disappointments well... I am glad to hear they're both doing well! Can't wait to see more pictures of them.

Kate said...

You are so strong, your schedule, the distance from them, it must be more difficult than I can ever imagine, but you handle it with such grace. Your babes sound like they are doing well. Don't beat yourself up too much hon, you're doing a great job.

Carrie said...

Don't be too hard on yourself! You are a super, milk-producing, baby-kangarooing superstar! I am amazed at you and hope to follow your awesome example when the triplets come. :)

Big snuggles to B and M!

Michelle said...

I agree, don't be so hard yourself! Your only human, and human who is emotionally and physically drained. Give yourself a break honey. :)Tomorrow will be better.

paulsgirl1297 said...

Oh don't be so hard on yourself -you are an AWESOME mommy and they knwo it too. Lookat everything you have been thru to get them here safely, you are simply amazing. I hope that you feel better soon !!!

Michelle said...

Try not to be so hard on yourself. You have a lot on your plate right now. Your babies are being well taken care of and you are doing an AWESOME job! Sending hugs!

AKD said...

Oh, Michele, thank you notes can wait! Make sure you're taking time to relax! You have to be such a big ball of stress right now, and you're only being hard on yourself because you care so much. You're a great mother. :)

Missing Kasey said...

((hugs)) I'm sorry! That's NO FUN! I too did that, but hunted the lactation people down and got some spare parts...I then had some that always stayed at home and the others stayed in my pumping purse in the car. Remember mommies make mistakes, you are stressed and stretched out. Hope that tonight you get extra loves with Bobby!

B MoM said...

try not to be so hard on yourself. this is probably the first of many more mommy oopsie's you'll experience as you raise your twins. I think as mommies, we'll have to just do our best and realize we're not perfect. As long as our babies are safe and loved...that's all that matters.

Anonymous said...

Your babies are doing so good. You always make my day with their good news. I just found out a friend is expecting her second. They lost their first one so she is a bit nervous. I think of you and pray that their pregnacy goes well and the baby is healthy.

Anne

Kim said...

When my son was in the nicu, I purchased another set of pumping "parts" and kept them in the storage area of his isolette. It was very helpful for those mommy brainfart moments. We had a sink and soap for cleanup. Hopefully, you have the same.

Congratulations!

Michelle said...

Hi Michele, don't be too hard on yourself, you've got a lot on your plates at the moment and you've been super woman the whole time already, give yourself a break. I took forever healing after my complicated delivery and I was always in tears because I was so sore for so long and couldn't hold my baby for weeks. I know how it feels to be frustrated that you can't "enjoy" your babies for as much as you like, but put it this way, you'll have your whole life to enjoy them. So don't freak.
Hope tomorrow's a better day for you. xox

Aunt Judy said...

Hon, I don't think anyone is going to be upset if you don't get those thank you notes done right now. Everyone knows that you have a busy schedule being so far from those babies and all. I love you all and take care of yourself and don't over-do it. Those babies depend on you to be up for par when they get home.

Dose said...

Just XtremeKiwi of the December twin mommies from Babycenter checking in on you :) Try not to be so hard on yourself. My mother and I call that 'mommy brain' :) Forgetting important things happens! I work at a hospital and have forgotten my pumping equipment or parts of it more times than I want to admit.
Does your NICU have pumps or parts that you can borrow if you forget? I would ask one of those wonderful nurses you talk about if that is possible. This way if you do forget again you won't have to miss the time with your little ones. The hospital I worked at had a NICU that was very generous with their equipment if I ran into troubles with mine. Check into it! Get some rest and take care of yourself :)

Sophie said...

I did that once too. :( They'll forgive you and you can give them extra special hugs later to make up for it.

xx

Alex said...

You're doing what you have to to take care of your children. And your moochine is important to Bobby and Maya so don't beat yourself up too much okay? You are doing amazing!!

addingtothepack said...

I'm sorry you've had such a rough day. I hope it improved this afternoon.

Do you remember anything from your 19th day of life? nope, me either. :) I can totally imagine how it ripped your heart out, but Bobby won't remember anything but love.

"Jay" said...

Don't be too hard on yourself!!! Nobody is perfect. You have been supermom commuting and pumping everyday. Your sweet babies will forgive you this once! You boobs may not though! Tomorrow will be a better day!

Just Breathe said...

I'm sorry you forgot your stuff.
When I was looking at the pictures before I got to this post I was surprised to see Maya wide awake. She is the sleeper. They are getting cuter each day. Not they aren't adorable, they are just filling in their skin. It's okay to have an off day, just wait, we can't always do it all. That is why Bobby was sleeping, he knew you had to go home. Thats how God works. Please don't worry.

Leah said...

Sorry about your rough day. :-(

Try to be easy on yourself. You are dealing with things that most people don't have to deal with in a whole lifetime. You are doing such a wonderful job! :-D

Tammy On the Go said...

hey sweet friend, I jsut spent and hour catching up on your family. The babeis aer beuatiful adn I am sorry I am so far behind.

It just came across my mind to ask, where do you live?

Bluebird said...

Aw, honey. Try to not beat yourself up too much, you have *so* much going on. . .

I'm so sorry you didn't get to have the day you wanted with your little ones. Hoping and praying tomorrow is better.

((Hugs))

sonja said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling down. You are a wonderful mother, never ever forget that! Even wonderful mothers forget things -- and who can blame you with all you've been through? You are running around like crazy to give your babies every good thing. I cannot imagine having a schedule like yours.

I hope things look up for you soon.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog through a friend's and have followed your journey. they babies are true miracles and gorgeous little people. I am happy for you and your family. you are a very strong woman.