Happy Birthday, Alexander

Monday, November 23, 2009


One year ago, you were in my arms. I was kissing your forehead and holding you close to me. And now... one year later... I am holding your book and kissing a photograph. And missing you. Terribly. My heart is heavy and cracked at the seams... My arms miss you and are aching to hold you. It is so hard to know that, no matter how severe the ache, it will never be filled. Not in this world.

People think that your broken heart can somehow be mended when you have another child. A child who lives. But they are wrong. They have never endured a loss that has no comparison. They have never suffered a break in their heart for which there is no mending.

A Mass was celebrated in your memory today. We missed it because we were feeding and changing and preparing for the visiting nurse who was coming t0 assess your baby brother and sister. Is this how it happens? Is this how life creeps in and slowly erodes the few moments we have left together?

My sweet cuddlebug, my Alexander. I love you so much. I ache with the desire to have you in my arms again.

We're taking your siblings to the mountains today in honor of your birthday. It's the place that we've both felt you telling us you wanted us to go for your special day. We may see it all through car windows, but we will go. And you will be there with us. And again tonight, when we bake birthday cake and have your birthday dinner. One year. You are one year old.

So short a time.

Yet, a lifetime.

Happy Birthday, Alexander. We love you more than words can say.

12 comments:

sonja said...

This brought tears to my eyes. I can't possibly understand the pain you carry with you always, but I think it is so beautiful that you remember Alexander (and all of your babies) in such wonderful and unique ways.

Praying for angel Alexander.

Catherine W said...

Remembering your precious Alexander today. Happy birthday sweet boy. xo

Lachlan's Mum said...

Remembering your cuddlebug, Alexander, with you today.

Jessica said...

Happy One Year Birthday Sweet Alexander!

Trennia said...

Happy Heavenly Birthday...

neaneah said...

Happy 1st birthday Alexander I can picture you with my son playing and sucking your little thumb which I think is adorable I cant belive your one already!

AKD said...

Happy birthday, Alexander. Thinking of you on your special day.

Just Breathe said...

So beautiful. I am so sorry that he can't be here with you today.
Sounds like a beautiful celebration of his life. Have a wonderful day and God Bless.

Angelwingsbaby said...

Huge hugs go out to you.

Once A Mother said...

Happy Birthday Alexander. You are missed and loved so much, please bring some peace to your mommy and daddy's hearts as they spend this day without you.

Your words
"People think that your broken heart can somehow be mended when you have another child. A child who lives. But they are wrong. They have never endured a loss that has no comparison. They have never suffered a break in their heart for which there is no mending."

So true. So poignant. So moving.

Thinking of you.

xx Peace

Heather said...

Happy birthday Alexander...

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

You are so right, Michele. The pain is so heavy, despite having living children. My thoughts are with you as I sit with a lump in my throat.

Peace, my friend.