The Life I Might Have Had

Monday, January 25, 2010

This is the life I might have had 2 years ago.

I thought that, as I walked to the store. The rain stopped and I loaded Bobby and Maya up in the twin stroller, strapped my diaper bag to it, and headed out for the quarter mile walk through our neighborhood to the local market to pick up a few items that we couldnt buy at Whole Foods on Sunday. I passed by a mom of 7-year old twins that I'd run into on my last walk by her house and we chatted. She commented on how sweet Maya looked in her pink hat and how cute Bobby's cheeks were. I did my shopping, maneuvering the stroller down the isles, tossing in some A&D ointment to keep Maya's bum soft and clear and some baby oatmeal and rice cereals, then grabbing some snacks for mom and potatoes for tonight's dinner. I checked out, tossing my purchases in the bottom of the stroller and walking back into the brisk afternoon towards home.

And it hit me. This is the life I might have had 2 years ago.

But just as quickly, my mind retracted. No. It's not.

And it isnt.

Aside from the obvious that Bobby and Maya arent Nicholas and Sophia, and I'm sure their personalities would have been as different as they are from each other, it's more than that. Our dream had always been that I would quit my job and stay home. I know how lucky I am to be able to do that. While I would have done my best to stay home, I know that we would have struggled. And I dont know that I would have been able to not work.

I presume that, after a while, I would have had to have gone back to work, at least part time, probably nights and weekends. We had debt back then that we dont have now. While I didnt make a lot as a library manager, I did well enough that we ate out often, spent as we saw fit, and didnt struggle in our lifestyle. When I was out on maternity after Nicholas and Sophia, and then again after Alexander, we made ends meet but it was a huge help when I was bringing in a paycheck (as it is for most U.S. employers, our maternity was unpaid).

Now, I dont worry. Given, this month (our first with a real budget), we went way over with eating out and the unexpected trip to NY, but it's a headache, not a problem. We know we will have to do better and stick to our guns so that we dont end up with a problem, but it struck me, walking home, that the life I have today wouldnt be the life I would have had with Nicholas and Sophia. That life would have struggled more... Would have worried more...

Sometimes it just strikes me that, even though so many people think I am living a dream 2 years removed, in reality, I'm living a life so very different.

13 comments:

Just Breathe said...

It is so wonderful that you can be home with Bobby & Maya.

K said...

That's a very interesting insight. I am going to be a SAHM as well and I am so thankful that though we will be living a bit tighter, we can at least afford to do this.

Reba said...

that is so true, this life is never the same as it would have been, no matter how many similarities they share. i'm so jealous about the whole foods! and, it goes without saying, about being a sahm.

Noelle said...

This was a very riveting post. I often look at the past and wonder why God worked the way that He did.

You are so fortunate to be able to stay home with those babies.

Jessica said...

It is definately wonderful you can stay home with Bobby and Maya.

Anonymous said...

You are sooo smart. xoxo, Kandi Ann

paulsgirl1297 said...

I know the thoughts you are having , and think it's normal to have those days....I am gald you get to stay home with the babies too, I am so glad that I get that chance and thank god for Pauls job and the ability to do that as much as I can remember to.

Trennia said...

people are cruel...any amount of children you have after a loss will never take the place of the one's that went to heaven! What is wrong with people?
You have a right to be proud of Bobby & Maya as well as your other children! people let this women blog and live her life!

Sunny said...

A great reflection. I think along the same lines... we have our family 2 years after we could have, but SO much changed in those two years. We would probably would not have moved out to Seattle if we had kids back then, we'd still be in St. Louis. I don't dwell on what might have been, I look at the blessings we do have instead.

AKD said...

I hate the comments about how "this must have been God's will" when we lose our children, but it's amazing how you can see His plan unfold before you. I'm so glad you get this time with the twins.

Terri said...

It is a life very different from 2 years ago. I'm so thrilled that you're able to be sahm & in a good place financially. The Lord works in mysterious ways & I'll never be able to understand it. I can't wait to see you guys & meet Bobby & Maya in person! I'm two years removed from having an infant & I am so ready to hold a baby! I love holding babies & them giving them back to mom/dad!

addingtothepack said...

I have had a lot of bad stuff happen in my life, but I love where I am now and would not be here without the bad stuff. While a big part of me wishes the bad had not happened, I don't regret where I am. I am glad you are able to celebrate the fact that you can stay home easily with Bobby and Maya.

NotTheMama said...

There's a couple who visits our church sometimes who got married the weekend before we did. The difference is, they have a 2-year-old and an infant, and we're still waiting on our first. While I want kids more than I want anything else, I can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that we could be parents of 2.
Thanks for reading and commenting, especially during a week like this!