2 years...

Monday, February 1, 2010

I cannot believe it has been two years. 730 days. 17,520 hours. You lived for one of those hours.

Oh Nicholas... My sweet boy. Today is your second birthday, a birthday you wont physically celebrate with us here. Instead, there is a pain in my heart, a broken heart, a heart that burst open with a love I didnt even know existed when I looked down and saw you for the first time. I loved you before you were conceived, but when I first saw you... It was a love that I'd never even know existed.

I often thought about how it would be once you were born. How I would hold you and rock you in the rocking chair that held your daddy and your grandpa. How I would wrap you in the blanket your grandma made your daddy. How you'd wear a christening gown, with your sister, that she made with you two in mind. How I would sing you the songs and read you the books that my mom did to me. I knew you would look like your daddy, I knew it from the start, when we pointed to that first ultrasound image- that tiny peanut that was you- and said "Nicholas"... Peter Nicholas, IV... Your daddy's boy... My little boy. You'd look like him but you'd have my eyes. I deeply regret never being able to see you open those beautiful eyes, but it was worth it because I saw you smile instead. I saw your beautiful, tiny mouth curl into a smile. I saw you reach out and hold your daddy's finger. I saw you, my little boy. I gave birth to you. I held you. I will never forget those moments. They will never dull over time. They will never fade or be mitigated by your siblings. That will always be your time. You will always have a sacred space inside my heart.

Two years. A lifetime. Or not so much. Perhaps only 55 minutes is a lifetime. And even if that is the case, those 55 minutes can last forever. And, in my heart, they always will.

I love you, Nicholas. Thank you for choosing me, of all the women in the world, to be your mother. I miss you so much. But, more than anything, I love you.

We love you.

36 comments:

Seraphim said...

A mother's love. So powerful. Beautiful xxx

Catherine W said...

Happy birthday sweet Nicholas, so beloved and cherished.

Barbara said...

Thinking of you and your sweet Nicholas today with love.

xxx

paulsgirl1297 said...

Happy Birthday Nicholas--I know you are having a beautiful celebration with the angels...

Tanika said...

Happy Birthday Sweet Nicholas!!! May you know how much you are loved, missed, and how your life has touched others.!

cheryllookingforward said...

Happy birthday Nicholas and paryers to your family!

Jessica said...

Oh Michele, that was beautiful. Thinking of you and Nicholas today. *hugs*

Trennia said...

Happy Birthday Nicolas..and
(((HUGS))) for your mommy!

Ms. J said...

Holding you, your hubby, and your sweet little boy, extra-close in my prayers today.

Terri said...

Happy Birthday, sweet little Nick.
Love, Aunt T.

AKD said...

This just brings tears to my eyes - so very beautiful, Michele. God bless you, Nicholas, and all of you.

Leah said...

Thinking of you on this very hard day.

missing_one said...

*hugs* remembering your precious Nicholas.

Michelle said...

Thinking and remembering with you. Happy Birthday Nicholas! ((HUGS))

K said...

Happy Birthday Nicholas!

mrsmuelly said...

Thinking of you today and remembering too. Your words are always so powerful and I am thankful that you share them with us. 55 minutes is a lifetime - one to never be forgotten.

Happy birthday Nicholas! I hope you will share some if your heavenly cake this Cooper and Brayden. I'm sure you are all having a wonderful time.

Holly said...

Happy Birthday Nicholas

Heather said...

Remembering Nicholas with you. I'm so happy you have those memories to cherish.

Mommy (You can call me OM) said...

Happy Birthday, Nicholas. You are loved.

Jill said...

Happy birthday, Nicholas! What a moving post, Michelle. Your love is so moving. xo

addingtothepack said...

Happy Birthday, sweet Nicholas.

Once A Mother said...

Happy Birthday Nicholas. Remembering you with love today and every day, and keeping your amazing mommma in my thoughts as she misses you so.

Tina said...

Happy Birthday sweet boy! xx

Mandi said...

Happy Birthday to you sweet Nicholas and God Bless your special Mommy!

gorillabuns said...

Happy Birthday.

How hard this is for me to read and write...

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

Happy Birthday, Nicholas.

sonja said...

Happy birthday, precious Nicholas!

withoutmypunkin said...

Happy Birthday Nicholas

Fran said...

My friend, I'm thinking of you. Love, Fran

Glenda said...

Happy Birthday, Nicholas! (((HUGS)))

gwinne said...

Thinking of you and your family.

Katie said...

Thinking of your sweet little boy, today and always.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of all of you!!! Happy Birthday Nicholas!!!
Hugs from Pittsburgh!!!

The Swann's said...

Happy Second Birthday Sweet Nicholas! You are forever loved!

Michele, such love you exhibit. It's truly admirable and one I hope to have as well one day. Such an inspiration to be the mom I hope to one day be.

manapan said...

Happy belated birthday, Nicholas!

Sunny said...

I'm so sorry I'm late. But I'm saying a prayer for your sweet Nicholas, a life lived way too short. And hugs for you, mama.