It's Still Hard...

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Even though the pregnancy was a surprise, it is still so hard...  So hard to know that this happened- AGAIN.  So hard not to question the Universe as to why...  So hard to know the pain so well and still be taken off guard when it hits.

Even though I hadn't planned to get pregnant and seeing those two lines gave me waves of fear, we were excited and happy at the prospect of another baby... Even though we know better than to "count your chicks before they hatch", we were counting...  We were imagining... Dare I say, we were hoping...

Even though I know that pregnancy isn't the best state for my body since it is obvious, with two living children and seven who are not, it still hurts when people say nasty comments or suggest we practice birth control or get sterilized.  Regardless of our faith and issues surrounding those two issues, we look at every child as a blessing- regardless of how long they are with us in this world.  It hurts that not everyone agrees...  And that they want to impart that to us, especially during this time.

It hurts that people want to see my grief right now when the grief hasn't fully hit... That someone close to me judged the fact that we went about our Christmas Eve/Christmas plans and didnt tell people...  That they think it must not be a big deal since I'm "obviously okay".  It hurts that people dont understand that grief doesnt play by a rulebook or a timeclock.  That just because I'm not curled up in a ball under my blankets doesnt mean that I dont want to be...  That things are different now because I have Bobby and Maya to mother and that doesnt take a break, even for my grief.  This person doesnt see that at night, after they are in bed and the house is quiet, that I sob, wrapped in Peter's arms, begging to know the reason why- even when I know there is no answer coming.

I know this post is all over the place, but I just needed to get some things out tonight...

A spirit in the Land where the Spirits wait to be born asked the Divine for parents, but knowing that the Spirit was too important to the Otherworld's work, the Divine explained that the Universe could only be without the Spirit for a very short time... In looking at all the possible parents, the Divine guided the Spirit, telling the Little One that, although it's time would be short, it would always be remembered, always be loved, never be forgotten by these two special people: it's parents.  And so, the Spirit chose it's parents and came to rest there for only a short while until it was time to return to the Spiritworld, where it would wait until that special day when mother and father and child would be united together once again...   Unconditional Love.

14 comments:

Pez said...

I am sorry for the things people are saying. I also wish you were not going through this.

I am praying for your family as you work through the grief.

Pez

Karen Mele said...

I am sorry that someone was so cruel and thoughtless at such a difficult time for your. If I had been in your position I would have continued with the Christmas Eve and Christmas celebrations. As you said you can't just take a break when you are a Mother and you want to make the holiday special for them. Maybe you should reevaluate your relationship with this person.

PatC. said...

Michelle, I am coming out of lurkdom. I had my first miscarriage when I was 9 weeks pregnant, the day before our daughter's third birthday party with a preschool class of kids scheduled to come. You can believe both my husband and I were grieving but with small children, life needs to go on and so do birthday parties. My thoughts, prayers and sympathy to both you and Peter. Pat

Ms. J said...

Grief doesn't own a clock. And it doesn't decrease proportionately. It ebbs and flows, and smacks us, HARD, at times we both do aniticpate and at others when it wallops us in both its' surprise and its' strength.

I'm sorry. There are no words that are ever adequate. So I don't try. Just to let you know that you are on my mind, and I am here for you. And I won't get tired of your grief. Ever.

Aisha said...

Why oh why do people have to chime in their cruel thoughts and opinions on a personal time of grief. Why do people judge your grief or what you choose to do with your body? Sigh. I'm sorry Michele for your loss- and I'm sorry that you cannot grieve in peace but with the eyes of those who do not fully understand judging how you grieve and why. *hugs*

Trennia said...

(((HUGS)))

Tina said...

Oh Michele, I am just catching up and I am so, so sorry. No matter how many losses we experience, each one is heartbreaking. All those hopes and dreams we build up in a short amount of time are ripped from us so quickly and it hurts. I am so sorry. Wishing you peace and comfort. xx

one-hit_wonder said...

Peace be upon you, Michele. Every baby is indeed a blessing. I don't understand why Grace couldn't stay. Please take care of yourself - you have every right to feel the way you do. XXX

Anonymous said...

forget about those people who dont understand grief .... even if they have experienced a loss, everyone experiences grief differently ... and for them to tell YOU how YOU should feel is NOT right!

Like I said on FB, its gotta be nice knowing that you were pregnant ... but again; even with it coming and going so fast.. it is still a loss and you need to recognize your emotions the way that YOU need to. Not the way that is "normal' or "expected"....

cheryllookingforward said...

I just read your sad news and wanted to send you a big hug. I'm so sorry.

AJH said...

I am sorry that you had to go through this again, and that people cannot be sensitive to the fact that just because you have B & M that you wouldn't hurt for baby G either! The things people say are rediculous and only you and your husband can know where God wants your family to be! My husband and I have tried fertility and ended up successfully adopting 2 beautiful children...we had 4 miscarriages and are adopting again and the things people are even saying about 'stealing another mother's child for the third time' our out of this world! People do not think before they talk, and honestly some people are too selfish to step out of their own box....may God richly bless you in 2011 and your children (all of them) be remembered and loved all year through!

Joanna said...

The one thing I've learned through all of this is that people, including family, are just plain insensitive and cruel. Those who should be loving and sensitive in tough times, often deliver the hardest and most painful blows. I think most of us would have continued with the Christmas holiday, and frankly they shouldn't judge unless they've walked a mile in your shoes.

I love the story you posted at the end Michelle. God Bless!

Barb said...

I'm so sorry

AKD said...

I am so very, very sorry, Michelle. You are a beautiful, strong person, and an inspiration to so many.