Happy 3rd Birthday, Nicholas

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

My dear sweet boy...
Today was a rough day for me.  It wasn't just your birthday; it was a day that I felt bombarded with three years of anger at the unfairness of your not being with me here on this earth... a day that I felt weighted down by the grief of your loss and, for once in a very long time, couldnt balance that grief with the joy of your everpresent love and beauty.  I had to let it out and I felt better afterwards, but at the close you were still gone...  My heart still broken... And I missed you so much today.
But, like your name says, you were my strength today.  In my hurt, you were there and gave me the ability to breathe deeply.
Tonight, I needed to run.  I needed to push and push and push.  I needed to feel punished, if I'm honest, but also released.  From guilt.  From I dont know.  So, I ran.  I went to the gym and decided, on the way in, that I wouldnt be running at my normal 5mph pace.  Instead, I ran hard...  (hard for me at least).  My longest stretch was 6.5mph, with some 6mph and a 5.5mph warm up.  A 5k in 33minutes.  A record for me.  I needed to just release...  And I felt you with me.  And, when I went outside afterwards, in the misting cold...  You were there.
It was hard... A sense of deja vu... I went to the grocery to pick up your dinner... 7pm... The same thing I was doing 3 years ago.  The cold, freezing rain.  The light snow.  3 years ago.  Tonight.  3 years ago.
Making dinner...
Holding my child...
Only tonight, it was your baby sister in my arms.  At 7:45- 3 years to the moment you were born- I held her in my arms, snuggling her as she drifted to sleep, smelling her baby scent, feeling her fingers wrapped around my hand.  And, even though she is so much larger than you were when you were born, I could feel you there with us, wrapped up as tightly as she was holding her lovey bear.
Your daddy and I had your special dinner tonight and we ate a chocolate heart for your birthday dessert.  (Dont worry- I'll make that homemade cake for your family dinner this weekend :) ).  We prayed for you and we remembered.
Thank you, sweet boy.  Thank you for making me your mother.  Thank you for the gift that was you.
Thank you for paving the way for your siblings, especially for Bobby and Maya whom you helped get here safely.
Thank you for taking away my fear of the darkness and for showing me the light.
Thank you for being here... Even though physically you are no longer of this world, thank you for never being far.
Thank you for your heart that beats in sync with my own... for your blood coursing through my veins.
Thank you for everything you are and were and are yet to be.
I love you.  I miss you.  I always will.  I know that there will always be an ache in my heart that could only be healed by having you here and watching you grow up.  I know that I will never understand why you couldnt stay with us on this earth.  I know that I will always wonder "what if".  And I know that you are exactly where you were meant to be, even though I dont understand the reasons.
I love you.  So very much.
It has been 3 years since you were born into this world and left it so soon after.  But your presence will never leave.  And we will always remember you.
I love you.
Mommy

7 comments:

Ms. J said...

Mommy and Daddy love him. Then. Now. Forever. Nicholas knew it then and knows it now.

Noelle said...

Beautiful. He is definitely with you. I can feel it.

one-hit_wonder said...

XXX

MrsSpock said...

Hugs

AKD said...

Hugs to a beautiful boy.

Joanna said...

That was just lovely - this letter had me crying

Searching said...

Thinking of you and your sweet Nicholas.