I'm Here

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I have things to say, just no words with which to say them.  But I am here...

I'm busier than usual.  With the doula and CBE classes, that's got my nights after the kids go to bed pretty much taken care of.  Bobby and Maya are getting more verbal, so my days are filled with trying to do a little bit more with them.  And, as the weather warms, will hopefully entail us getting outside more!  But, that's not an excuse... I've been busy and have still written... That's not it.

Last night, I was caught off guard by the death of a 4 month old baby girl.  I was doing one of my CBE assignments and, as I finished, went ahead and started the next assignment: death.  I had read ahead in my doula workbook and knew that the subject was covered a bit later, but, for some reason, hadnt noticed that it came at the front of the CBE coursework.  I stopped working and decided to blog... and saw the entry... and decided to go to bed.  But a peaceful sleep doesnt come after that.  And checking on your kids throughout the night doesnt guarantee that, as soon as you've left the room, confident that they are okay, that things will continue to be okay.  But, that's not it either...

We had a lovely blog meet-up over the weekend with Genevieve and Lauren.  It was a nice time; a time to just let it all hang out with folks who get it.  I wanted to tell you all about it... How Lauren made a delicious cake and how Genevieve had me in stitches.  How, if you are anywhere close to the PA/NJ border (that's you guys in NYC too!) that you should totally plan on attending our quarterly gettogethers.  But, I just couldnt write anything...  But, that's not it either.

How I manage to log my food every day and am still dropping weight... How I had a meltdown at Kohl's when I went shopping to replace my wardrobe (and dont worry... there will be a post about that... eventually)  But, really, I just didnt have anything to say.

How I'm so super excited about my new venture, even though I am afraid.  How I attended the funeral of a baby on Saturday and wanted to just bawl my eyes out in the car.  How I cant figure out anything witty to say on Facebook because I really just want to ask people WTF on a regular basis.  How I had an appt with Dr B today for my annual, but, after driving 45 minutes there and being met with a standing-room-only waiting room and having a half hour show of "misbehaving, screaming twins", I decided it wasnt worth it and left.  How I'm Just.So.Tired.

But, like I said... I just dont have the words to formulate a post worth  your time.

But, rest assured, I'm still here.  I'm still reading your blogs and commenting when I can.  And, soon, I'm sure I'll be back to the same old verbose person you're used to.  But, right now, I'm feeling a little tender and just dont know what to say.

12 comments:

Trennia said...

(((HUGS)))
It's hard to read about another baby dying...it brings our own grief back fresh,plus adds to the hurt we feel for the parents that now walk our path...you are such a dear sweet blogger I enjoy reading your blog.

Joanna said...

I can understand that - just try to be kind to yourself as well. I'm thinking of you!

Joanna said...

I can understand that - just try to be kind to yourself as well. I'm thinking of you!

Fran said...

Sometimes it's just so so difficult to understand. I, like you, found it now impossible to believe my little one is ok once I turn my eyes away. Sometimes it feels like the World around is falling to pieces and how is it we are still holding on..surely is just a matter of time...I do pray and hope my family will be safe. I'm sending you positive thoughts and strength. Love, Fran

Devon said...

LOVE your WTF to facebook people. I feel like that daily!

Aisha said...

****hugs****

It can all feel overwhelming sometimes- I'm thinking of you.

Reba said...

i'm with you on facebook...i don't read it too much b/c it can be so maddening. i use it to post pics of the little one for people who don't see us often/ever.

i feel so terrible for the baby's family. :(

Ms. J said...

Thinking of you, and your bruised and battered heart and soul. Each time we become aware of someone else's loss, I think it makes our grief fresh again and ever-present.

I weakly admit I have had to step away from reading the blogs and links you are speaking of (and I have seen other bloggers link to). I just can't right now . . . and it feels so weak and awful to say that, but I have barely made it through February, and feel like I need to get just a bit stronger before I can be a helpful source of support to others right now.

But I am still praying for all those who have lost babies, at any stage, and for God to hold them all until their Mommies can do so again someday.

Terri Jones said...

Hang in there, honey.

one-hit_wonder said...

Oh man, I was trying to formulate a response when the line "How I cant figure out anything witty to say on Facebook because I really just want to ask people WTF on a regular basis" got to me - I've got nothing. Just listening/reading. XXX

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I hadn't read about you wanting to be a doula, that is awesome. I visited with the 4 month old parents on their blog and asked her for her address when she has time. Always remember that you can request a handkerchief from me anytime so if you want one for the family whose funeral you attended on Saturday please let me know.
((HUGS))

Kakunaa said...

I totally understand the sentiment :) Sometimes there's too much to coherently share.

Glad I was able to make you laugh!!!