Not Coming Home

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

And he said unto me, "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness." Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  -2 Corinthians 12:9

I dont know how best to say this...  I dont know that my heart will allow me to type these words...  He's not coming home... not with us...  Michael isn't going to sleep in the crib with freshly laundered farm animal sheets or be wrapped in Nicholas & Sophia (& Alexander, Bobby, & Maya)'s blanket or be snuggled in the rocking chair that rocked his siblings, father, and grandfather.

She's changed her mind.

We knew this was always a possible outcome...  We knew and it didn't stop us from giving her hearts completely.  It didnt stop us from preparing our home or having his Blessingway or naming him or loving him.  It didnt stop us from telling people that we had a child on the way.  It didnt stop us from being happy (or shocked or afraid).

And now, the crushing blow... The inevitable, in some ways it seems, based on my histories... 
To think, I am one for signs and I kept so many of those signs close to my mind to settle my doubts and fears.
-2 failed adoptions, so the 3rd would be perfect
-2 lost second trimester pregnancies but the 3rd that got that far, Bobby and Maya, brought us two babies to love on earth as well as the many in our hearts

Perhaps I should have realized that all four of my miscarriages were miscarriages without a silver lining, or that, from 7 pregnancies, I have had only 1 that made it "far enough" to have a happy ending (if one calls the saga of Bobby & Maya's pregnancy and 2nd trimester delivery and NICU stay a 'happy ending').  I'm sorry... I'm sounding ungrateful or, worse, bitter, I'm not.  It's more a 'laugh or you will sob so uncontrollably that the white coats will be coming to take you away'.

I'm sobbing, too, mind you.  But I still needed to write.

What do I say?  I dont even know.  As I make calls & send text messages- to grandparents, to Michael's godparents, to best friends- I am at a loss.  What do you say?  That he was born safely and healthy?  That his birthmother- no, his mother because I'm not up for that title anymore- changed her mind?  It tells the truth, but at the same time leaves out how anguished we feel... How heartbroken...  But also how we understand her position- how could we place one of our children for adoption?  I'd like to say that, if we knew it was the best decision, we would... in a heartbeat... because we would always want what is best for them.  But, wouldnt we also want to see if we were that 'best'?  If we could give them all they needed and then some?  How can we fault her for that?  For giving Michael his birth family and his biological brother to surround him?  She chose to keep him, to give him life... I'm grateful for that.  And if knowing there were other parents willing to love him and raise him if she felt she couldn't gave her the strength to keep the pregnancy- and now the same strenght to mother him- then that will be the balm for my heart.  It has to be; there is no other option.

I suppose I should stop calling him Michael... And use the name that she gave him, a name I'm grateful to know so that I can continue to pray for the sweet 9lb9oz baby who, although I'll never hold him in my heart, I will hold forever in my breaking heart...
For now, I'm remembering the sweetness I felt when my friend, KK, sent him his first Bible... How I wrote that it would be something to hold onto, regardless of the outcome.  I'm holding onto it now...  Tightly... Tearfully...

40 comments:

~Rae~ said...

I'm so sorry:-(

sprogblogger said...

Oh, Michele, my heart is breaking for you today. Thinking of your whole family and just crying.

mindmonkeys said...

Oh my goodness - I'm so sorry! But I think you're right - knowing you were there gave her the strength to be there, too. I hope you take good care of yourself during this time - you deserve it.

Kate

Heather said...

so unbelievably sorry, I can't imagine what you're going thorough =(

Catherine W said...

Oh Michele. I am so very, very sorry to read your news and I am so very sad that little boy will not be coming home to you. x

Hillary said...

I'm beyond heartbroken for you. I can't imagine such a loss as the one that you are experiencing now. I'm sorry that it is one more that you have to add to your list of lost children.
Many prayers for peace and comfort for you and your wonderful family during this time.

xoxxox

Devon said...

i am so sorry michele.....words seem inadequate right now but know i am thinking of you.

sonja said...

I am SO sorry, Michele. I am heartbroken for you and your family ... I can't imagine how lost and upset you must feel ... can I do anything? Anything, really. I am praying for you and for him ...

Jessica said...

My heart is aching for you! This is another loss for you to deal with, not exactly the same as your others, but a loss none the less. This baby may have been born healthy, but he is not coming home to you and that is heartbreaking. Please take the time to care for yourself and know that we all hold you close to our hearts in this difficult time.

Barbara said...

I'm so sorry Michelle.

I'm sending love and peace your way.

xxx

petalsonthewind said...

I am very sorry.. prayers for strength...

Mo and Will said...

Oh, my heart breaks for you and your family. I am so, so sorry. This seems so unfair.

Mo

Reba said...

oh michele!!! :'( i am heartbroken for you and so very, very sorry that it happened this way.

MrsSpock said...

So very sorry- how difficult for both families involved.

Lauren said...

Oh my gosh Michele, I'm so, so sorry :(

Jen said...

I'm sorry ((hugs))

Baby Smiling In Back Seat said...

I'm so sorry, Michele. I sincerely hope that she has made the right decision for her, and that Michael will find as much love with that family as he would have found with you.

Malory said...

I am so very sorry for your family. This post broke my heart.

ccc said...

How sad for you and your family. I am sorry that things did not go as planned. Only Our Lord can carry you through this,I will pray for you.

kcoleman said...

Michele, I'm at a loss for words. Praying for all of you. I am so sorry. Many hugs.

Deni said...

My heart is broken for you. Having been there and having a room and heart ready for a baby, I know how you are crushed and I wish with all my heart I could do something to ease your pain. I'm in tears here thinking of you and your family. You will all be in my prayers!!!

Katie said...

Oh, Michelle, oh no. I am so sorry. My heart is breaking for you and your family. You are all in my prayers.

Queenie. . . said...

Michele,

I am so very sorry. You've had so much heartache and disappointment. It just seems like you don't deserve to experience any more. But, one thing is really clear to me: you are a terrific mother. Somewhere out there, whether the child exists in physical form yet or not, the next addition to your family is slowly making his or her way toward you and your amazing family. I know that is probably no consolation to your aching hearts, though, and I wish you all the best in working through this.

Hope's Mama said...

I'm so sorry.
xo

St Elsewhere said...

I am so very sorry, Michele!

You must not stop calling him what you call him. He did not come to your home, but he did enter your hearts.

So sorry.

Aisha said...

I am so sorry Michele. Thinking of you and your family.

Mrs.Hunt2006 said...

I'm soo very sorry! *hugs*

Lea said...

Incredibly, incredibly sorry, Michele... my heart is breaking with you.... love to you

alocin said...

Michelle,
I am sorry to read your update, I have been following your blog since the twins were born, I am not a blogger but had to comment.
N

Anna said...

I'm so sorry, Michele. Thinking of you.

Mikenjane said...

Frequent lurker - just wanted to say I'm so sorry. Only another mother who has lost children in various ways knows how such a loss as this, when you know the child is alive and loved, will eventually make your world bigger.

For now, though, cry and hug Bobby and Maya all the tighter. Run fiercely and shout into the wind. We will be here to listen.

Best,
Jane

Alissa said...

My heart just aches for you, Michele. I have no words...just sadness that this is happening again. ((Hugs))

Dana said...

I'm so sorry Michele. I know that no matter how much you prepare yourself, no matter how many times you told yourself that this might happen, it doesn't help the hurt now that it has. I am so sad for you. He would have had such a wonderful life with you.

Rachel said...

Oh, Michele, I'm so very sorry. My heart just breaks for the pain you're going through. Lean on the Lord, sweet friend, lean on the Lord. Proverbs 3:5-6. Sending lots of love, prayers, and hugs...

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Holding you close to my heart and in my prayers. I am so sorry.

missohkay said...

I am so sorry.

Leah said...

I am so sorry. My prayers are with you and your family.

Cherbear said...

here from LFCA. Words cannot express how terribly sorry I am to hear this. I pray that God will heal your pain and bring good things to you very very soon.

JustHeather said...

Here from LFCA. I'm so sorry for this turn of events. *hugs*

Seriously?! said...

So incredibly sad for your loss. This too is my biggest fear, our story is somewhat similar.

Wishing you peace as you travel along this difficult journey.