26w1d

Friday, April 19, 2013

I have kept a journal for all the children.  I normally wouldnt share my entires, but today it just feels right, rather than blogging about what pregnancy symptoms there are, to just share what I wrote in Michael's journal today.

Friday, April 19, 2013
26w1d

I'm sitting outside on the deck as the wind blows, heralding a storm that is moving through the mountains.  It's beautiful here.  The mountains disappear into clouds and fog, the birds are siging, and the breeze- though filled with the humidity that signals impending rain- is fresh and clear.

We took the kids to see the animals today.  Maya rode a pony (a contrast to last year when Bobby rode but Maya refused) and both enjoyed the petting zoo.  Afterward, we drove 12 miles away to an indoor market.  The kids had fun playing with the Thomas and Friends display and enjoyed fresh pretzels.  We had lunch there and got some homemade chocolate (which you seem to like!  You have become VERY active each time I've had a bite of dark chocolate pecan toffee!).  We're trying to figure out a fun evening activity for them, since the rain knocked out our mini-golf plans.  We're thinking a local kids gym for some fun before dinner.

And yet, with all of this happiness- watching Bobby and Maya have a blast, vacationing with our wonderful family, the extra time with your dad whom I love more than words can say, your moving around happily and safely inside- even with all of these joys, my heart is heavy.

On Monday, while we were enjoying our first full day of vacation, three bombs went off at the Boston Marathon- a marathon I'd planned to run but opted out of after we learned of you- killing three, one of whom was an eight year old boy, and injuring nearly 200.  Later, a factory explosion in Texas killed and wounded others, the exact count of which isnt yet known.  Back to Boston, the City went on lockdown after the two bombing suspects killed a police officer and then engaged in a car chase, where they threw bombs at the following.  Ultiamtely, it ended in a shoot out, where a cop and a 26 year old suspect were killed; the 19 year old suspect hasnt been caught yet.  All of these families... destroyed and anguished- all while I am on vacation.  My heart hurts.  My soul aches.

School shootings a few months ago rocked the country, especially those of us with young kids in school.  War looms.  And now the tragedies of this week.  I love you and cant wait to bring you into this world and yet I question the world you will enter.  It breaks me to think your greatest safety lies inside the womb when your ultimate destiny leads you here, to a place I can neither contain nor control.

Control, I know, is just an illusion and yet- it is that illusion that fuels my taking our kids to the park, to school, out into the world.  The illusion that secures my knowledge that your dad will come home every day.  The illusion that helps me sleep at night.

And yet, it is just smoke and mirrors.  I know that, but I lament it all the same.

Sleep tight in my womb, little one.  Enjoy the tastes of toffee, the voices of your brother and sister as they read to you, the snuggles of your dad as he hugs you tightly through my belly.  Keep safe thse next dozen weeks, knowing just how loved you are.

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