Mommy Fail #3,543,135

Sunday, May 19, 2013

So...  Wednesday afternoon we had this and then Thursday, after school, we had this.  But, after nap on Thursday, Bobby seemed back to himself.  We went to Mr. B's and our only issue was at closing time, when he didn't want to leave and I had to go up and get him.  Which is actually normal.  (But, note to self: that 4 story climbing thing for those ten and under was not meant for a 30w pregnant woman.)  We went to our favorite pizzeria and, although we had an issue, it actually went fairly smoothly (I was just exhausted and we opted not to do minigolf and ice cream and, instead, to go home and watch a movie until Peter got home from his conference, at which point, I went to bed.)  Bobby was eating and I asked him to try something; he said no, so I said that I'd put it on his plate and he could try it later.  Well, some of the sauce touched what he was eating and he was upset.  The entire episode lasted maybe 2 minutes, but he actually self soothed himself as I calmed him down, and, while it wasn't the ease that we've had before when eating out, it could have been way worse (especially given the hour from hell we'd had before lunch).  But, all in all, went well.  Friday, he seemed back to normal.  And then, yesterday morning, we went to the Farmer's Market and, again, normal.  We all had lunch together and then I put the kids down to nap.

And, afterwards, Bobby had a 102 temperature.  And he's still sick today.

And I feel AWFUL. 

Bobby struggles with pretty nasty allergies around the season changes.  We've never had a spring one evolve into something worse, but fall to winter usually leaves him with a cold/fever combo.  On Thursday, his teacher and aide had mentioned he seemed unusually tired and lethargic, but we all wrote it off to a growth spurt because he's been eating like he's starving (they both have... out of house and home people!).  I've had to toss (for both of them) favorite clothes because they are just too small, when they were fine a month ago.  So, makes sense.

And, I had done a verbal social story (I'm still working on the written one) about school ending, which I think set him off because he doesn't process data fully that way.  I told him about school ending, vacation, summer school/camp starting, and back to school in the fall, and all he heard was "school is ending".  He didn't grasp the concept of when or that he'd go back.  (And a huge thank you to everyone's suggestions for ways to keep him "with" his teachers.  Sarah suggested he make a picture for them to remember him by (lest he feel forgotten by these folks he loves so much), I've had suggestions to get photos of all these folks with him so that he can keep them and look at them over the summer, as well as to get some video so he can still be with them.  These are great suggestions, and I really appreciate them.)  So, it's no wonder that he freaked out after the good-bye song, when he thought he was leaving for good.

But the fit at home... I think I missed the other signs that he just was starting to not feel good.  He's very much like me in that his sicknesses don't come on overnight (like they do for Maya and Peter), they usually take a couple of days.  While some of his behavior was definitely meltdown behavior (the kicking when I was trying to get him out of the car, the nonstop screaming about staying at school, etc), some of it, Peter and I both think in retrospect based on yesterday, was him trying to tell us that he was hurting and sick, and I just didn't get it, so it ballooned. 

He was scratching at his face and ears and saying "hurt" and that his skin was stretching.  He was banging his head against me and against the floor and signing "hurt" or "sick".  He would look at me and tell me he was hurting with "Mama, hurt".  And I kept thinking his heart was hurting (because of school) or that he was hurting himself because of his actions.  Not because he was hurt and was trying to stop the hurt with his actions.

I get awful migraines.  I haven't had too many since the kids were born but when I get them, I actually hit my temples to try and mitigate the one pain with the other.  And, whenever Peter or I get sinus headaches, we both talk about how much it feels like our heads are going to explode.  For a child who cant communicate functionally exactly what hurts and how much, it makes sense.  His face and sinus were hurting, so he was scratching at his face to try and stop it.  His head was hurting so he was hitting it to try and stop it, not realizing he was only making things worse.  He used the words he knew- hurt, sick, help- but the person he was talking to was seeing something completely different. 

He was asleep within minutes after lunch, and when he woke up, 2 hours later, he seemed fine.  He seemed to be more tired than usual for Friday and even on Saturday, but he was eating and sleeping fine, and was playing like normal.  He was coughing, which is usual for his allergies, but otherwise, a-ok.  Then the fever.  And then the trying to tell us and, because we got it, no meltdowns.

He would say or sign, "sick" or "hurt" or "help" and this time, we could say "Does your head hurt?", "Does your stomach hurt?", and he would nod or just lay on us, like YES! YOU GOT IT! FINALLY!  Yesterday, he spent much of the afternoon on Peter or I.  He would play when he was up to it, but then it was back to snuggles.  By dinner, he was hungry and ate... only to throw it all up and then some after.  But, even as he cried and was upset, because he was understood, he was okay.  He was comforted and we knew the problem and talked to him and, if we missed something, he would interject with a word or two or a sign to let us know that we were slightly off base.  And it was all good.  He didn't feel up to cleaning up his toys or taking a bath and just wanted his PJs and bed, no story.  But he did want to pray beforehand.  All things that, had we written this off to a tantrum, would have actually causes a breakdown because we couldn't understand his needs.

I'm grateful for ASL and the speech therapy he is getting, in addition to everything else, because it's giving him an outlet.  Sometimes (most times, actually), it isn't Bobby that is the issue- it's me (or Peter) not understanding what he is desperate to say.  And, like I said, part of the issue on Thursday was very much a meltdown because of his neurological state; but I think a fair amount was that he was starting to feel sick, wanted me to get that, and I was so blinded by being hit out of left field with the breakdown that I just missed every single marker and thing he was trying to tell me. 

I feel so sad for him.  I know how much he wanted me to help him (because of how much he is telling me now) and how I missed the mark.  When I told him I was sorry last night and that I just didn't understand, he pulled me into this huge hug and said "Mommy's here... so much."  It's his repeating of me telling him that I'm here and that I love him so much.  It broke (and melted) my heart.

Well, I've promised Miss Maya a girl's morning and lunch because she has been SUCH a huge helper during the last few days, and I want to snuggle with my Bobby before M and I head out to church.  But thank you a million times over for your prayers for all of us and your wonderful suggestions (as well as putting me in contact with other parents you know who have ASD kiddos).  You guys are awesome. :)

3 comments:

aryanhwy said...

Oh, I sympathize! When we were trying to transition Gwen into her new daycare here in Germany, we'd drop her off and she would then cry and cry and cry and cry for an hour or so before they'd call me to come and pick her up again, and this lasted for a week. For a kid who has never had separation anxiety, who was clearly going stir-crazy at home with two parents and no other kids her age to play with, who loved daycare in the Netherlands, we simply didn't know what was going on, and I was beginning to harbor some deep dark thoughts about the daycare. And then we went away for the weekend, and she threw up Friday, Sunday, and Monday, and I realized that she'd probably actually been/been getting sick the entire previous week and that's why she was so clingy and out of sorts.

I felt awful.

A simple being said...

I so understand that light bulb gut punch..."crap...she was getting sick" to be perfectly honest we have them moments all the time here with having multiple small children closely many days are survival...our house functions on routine and those days when were in survival mode with a lil extra on top im ashamed to say I push thru alot of flags telling me its a routine kinda day I loath light bulb punch in gut days...i feel like I have neglected my child in a way that surely will cause life long trauma...but actually im glad my children give me those punches to remind me that many things in life are a marathon just get through it but our family is so u ique and growing that routine although good needs me to grow to...and so I hum ly leave the dishes let the floor get a lil more dirty lamps a lil dusty and remember im not a super hero...on thing I did do for rebeka and eventually the others cause they needed one too of course was face magnets on fridge. If u just can't get it w her shell go put her sick face up sometimes a sad face w a band aide on it and we have a mad face w red and faces of all the family when she puts it up it w have usually a sisters face beside it...good much lots of warm loing prayers ...ur there for him and that is really what is the most amazing part of his life his support and love.

A simple being said...

Just stopped by to send good thoughts n cyber hugs hoping today was a manageable day for you. Don't forget even though ur baby isn't here yet your still caring for him so when your brain is fried...its okay...hang in there im sure your walk of faith will provide u with some awesome strength and miraculous joy